1. Doctors who want to see your actual death certificate, not
just a xerox.
2. Even after death, computer salespeople _still keep calling you_.
3. Vampire hunters who think they're funny by whacking you in the
chest with _steaks_, slapping themselves in the forehead and
4. Female vampires only: Aren't you sick of him sitting around on the couch, watching the Late Late Late Channel 82 movie, scratching himself and muttering "Hey why dontcha get me an AB- from the fridge?" If he'd stayed mortal, you coulda killed him!
5. At every vampire party, there's never enough crack addicts to go around.
7. Donald Trump is secretly buying out all the apartment complexes with
vampires in them, and slowly turning them into daytime amusement parks,
with games like: Put The Sleeping Vampire In Funny Positions, Bounce
On the Vampire's Bed, and the grand finale, Jackhammer the Vampire's
Skull to a Bloody Pulp! The kids love it!
8. Clause in Clinton's health care package: "Dead ineligible for
9. You become indistinguishable from Pretentious Gothic Gits, and even when you explain the difference, nobody cares.
10. Monty Python fans run up to you and say "sharrrp nasty pointy teeth!"
11. Pallid, pasty, emaciated appearance reminds many of 7-11 clerks.
12. Ever bite the inside of your cheek?
13. Always have to pay full price at movie theatres (no matinees for you!)
14. Still don't get extra pack of peanuts when you fly Southwest.
15. Fat, smelly mortals still seem to be having more fun than you.
16. Vampire job market limited to 24-hour drugstores and late-night pizza
17. Horrible secret of all vampires: The Really Old Underwear Tradition.
18. Male Vampires Only: Ever taken a cold shower? Well make it as cold
as the grave and that's what it's gonna be like for all eternity. Pack
a magnifying glass.
19. Blood banks don't give away free toaster ovens.
20. No more garlic toast.
21. Blood diet causes the WORST morning breath.
22. Having to stop the car at every bridge to let friends drive across.
23. Thanks to Madonna, Holy Symbols have become fashionable.
24. All elder vampires have that "More Tormented than Thou" attitude.
25. Constant peer pressure to imitate Bela Lugosi.
26. Those pesky mortals all have read the morning paper before you.
27. Eternal embarrassment at having been represented by Tom Cruise.
28. Sleeping in native earth causes toadstools to grow in one's shorts.
29. Roving gangs of werewolves beat up on vampires just to prove they can.
30. Impossible to get pizza with blood as a topping.
31. Inability to see self in mirror makes grooming difficult.
32. This town has _no_ nightlife.
33. Transylvanian vampire Mafia wants 20% of all the blood you drink.
34. Anne Rice fans constantly pestering you to give them "the Dark Gift."
35. Complete lack of tan causes people to mistake you for Bill Gates.
36. Can't find a comfortable coffin anywhere.
37. Dracula's really an asshole when you get to know him. Lestat too.
38. Living in constant fear that spiked collars will become fashionable.
39. This whole business really sucks.
40. You start appending 'E's to the ende of every worde.
41. Must change practical, simple name ("Al", "Steve") to long, cumbersome neo-European name ("Alexander", "Stephen").
42. Mortal serial killers much more stylish, efficient, suave, and what's more, they get all the endorsement deals.
43. Gain a horror-filled depressing world of darkness, lose forever the much more interesting and intelligent world of daytime TV.
44. They say you can only rent blood...
45. Lose opportunity to win ten million dollars in Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes due to little-known rule: "Void if dead."
46. Beach volleyball tournaments rarely held at night.
47. Gravediggers just aren't as wacky as you remember them.
48. No longer have snappy answer when mobster says "You're dead! You don't come through with the money, you're dead!"
49. Dentists who drill with no anesthetic.
50. MORTALS: Two words: Beach and Hawaii
VAMPIRES: Two words: Europe and Eastern
51. Few working vampire mothers can find Night Care centers for their
52. Pizza Hut canceled it's 20% Undead Discount.
53. Mortals outnumber vampires a gazillion to one at last count.
54. SPF 2000000000000 sunscreen makes you look like creepy old cat guy from
up the block who smells like mothballs.
55. Tanning salon advertisements taped to your door during the day.
56. Black clothes make it harder for crack-addicted bus drivers
to avoid you.
58. Blood Bank security guards who think they're hilarious.
59. Can't be as cruel, heartless and inhumane as mortal lawyers.