[Shot of outside of Enterprise]
Picard: Captains log stardate 4/4704.3 We are in orbit around the outpost
Ciety Alpha 12, some rather dubious circumstances surround this
mission, with neither Star Fleet or myself knowing little of the
situation, other than a strange glowing hole has appeared in the
[Cut to bridge, Picard is in his chair, Riker is leaning on the arm of his
chair, Worf is at his post, Geordi is at science station 5, and Data and
Wesley are on the Helm.]
Picard: Mr Data, Any change?
Data: No change as of yet sir, although I am getting a message from the
planet saying that they are getting a great suntan from the glow.
It would appear that the hole is giving off all forms of
electromagnetic radiation, as well as various gasses, mostly
Picard: Any sign of audio waves ?
Data: No sir, the gasses are not transferring any sound.
Riker: (Smirking) Silent but violent !
Data: (Turns his head inquisitively) Sir ?
Riker: Never mind Data, just an old childish joke.
Data pauses for a second and then
Data: Ah yes [He stands] a reference to the exhaustion of gasses from.....
Picard: Yes, thank you mister Data, I think we get the picture.
Data: Yes Sir. [He takes his seat and presses various buttons]
Geordi: Sir, I'm getting a strong change in frequency from the hole... Sir
its changing colour !!!
Picard: Data do you agree?
Data: Yes sir, it would appear that it is indeed changing colour.
Picard: On screen [Worf presses buttons and the screen shows the hole
[cut to outside, showing the hole which was previously yellow changing to
[Fade to black, Run opening credits]
[Fade back in to show hole changing colour, and then switch to the bridge;
Jupiter mining ship Red Dwarf]
[Rimmer, Cat, Lister and Kryten are stood staring at a view screen which shows the inside of the hole, ILM are strutting their funky stuff]
Rimmer: ALIENS ! I knew it, Aliens.
Lister: Shut the smeg up Rimmer, Shut up.
Kryten: [to cat] Sir, unlikely as it may seem, the singular act of plugging
your super deluxe hair dryer into the control room power supply has
put us in a space/time hole, and I feel that I must say that I think
that you are a complete SMEEEG HEERRD.
Cat: Well if you'd wired up some decent sockets in my room, not ones that go "VIIISST" every time you use one then everything would be OK.
Lister: Look, what does it matter how we got here, we're here now anyway.
Cat: Yeah he's right, at least the view outside matches my suit. [He
Holly: Hang about, I'm picking something up.
Lister: What is it Hol ?
Holly: Well either its a hyper-light speed battle cruiser, or its some sand
stuck in the scanner.
Rimmer: Aliens, See I told you !
Lister: For the last time shut the SMEG up.
Holly: Uh oh, I was wrong, it's only a highly destructive photon torpedo
Rimmer: I Knew it, it's the body snatchers, they come to your house trying to
sell a set of Encyclopedia Galacticas and then VOOOM there goes your
Cat: Yeah, their motto is "They came, They saw, They stole your ass."
Holly: Hang about, we've got a message.
Lister: [pressing buttons] Lob it up Hol.
[The screen fizzes and Picard appears]
Picard: This is captain Jean Luc Picard of the federation starship
Please Identify yourself.
Lister: Smeggin' Hell, they're human, we've come through a time hole.
Cat: Was that a woman I saw in the background ?
Kryten: This is very strange, The Enterprise was just in the design stages when we left earth, about 4 years ago, but it would not have been commissioned for another 6 years, and I'm sure it used to be green !
Holly: I s'pose that we could have come back just after the Enterprise was
commissioned, Say 11 years after we left.
Kryten: Of course, it was not the Enterprise that was green, it was the
Romulan Bird of Prey. Sorry sir my memory chip seems to have become
[Lister hits Kryten over the head with Cats hair-dryer.]
Kryten: Thank you sir, I needed that.
Cat: My hair dryer!!!....Oh never mind....it was fried by Plastic Percy's
MESSAGE SCREEN: "I repeat this is Jean Luc Picard do you understand us?"
Lister: Hol open hollering frequencies.
Rimmer: That's hailing frequencies [whilst pulling hand down over face]
Lister: I knew that smeg head
Holly: Okay Dave hailing frequencies open, s'funny that saying open when you mean on. I mean who invented that anyway, what a weirdo...
Lister: YO!! matey how's it hangin'??
Picard: Who are you?
Lister: I'm .........
[Lister gets pushed off by the impatient Rimmer.]
Rimmer: [saluting] Greetings captain, the name's Rimmer,Arnold. J. Rimmer, space adventurer and part time technician.
Cat: Yeah and I'm a Gargle beast from Traal who can only say the word
vicarage on every second Tuesday.
Rimmer: Shut up cat.
[Cut to bridge of Enterprise]
Picard: [to Data] give me an intellegence scan.....
Data: The only intelligence there is the rats, if my scanners are right,
although there is also a human, a cat type organism, and an unknown
creature at the other end of the ship. From the data available, the
other organism seems to be a shape changer, a genetic mutation from
some years back.
Picard: Quite finished with the lecture data?
Data: I still have 5 hours of data left at human speed sir.
Picard: OFF..[Data Slumps into a crumpled mess]
Riker: How can you do that sir?
Picard: Emergency measure, for switching off blabbering robots.
Riker: I want him on! [He smirks]
Picard: Stop smirking Riker. Data stays off until we need him.
Lister: (on screen) Hey dudes, what date is it?
Picard: Stardate 4/4704.3
Lister: (on screen) Ok matey cut the crap. I want the date, the whole date,
nothing but the date. In English ok?
Riker: You switched him off sir.
Data: As I was saying I have more than 5 hours of data at ..
Picard: Shut UP! Good. Now tell me the A.D. Date.
Data: April the 3rd 2447 sir, to the best of my knowledge.
Lister (on screen): Thank you. Now kindly piss off.
Picard: I can't do this, we haven't had the first commercial break yet!
Data: Inquiry...'Piss off' sir?
Picard: Ancient Colourful metaphor.
Data: Oh..A slang word describing the action of...
People start trying to sell you the holiday of the life time, it will only put the first national bank in hock if you borrow from them, and an even bigger bill if you make it back.
The special offer on space weetabix, the best way fill your space-suit, from top and bottom at the same time.
Fade back to outside, The Red Dwarf is now fully through the time hole, and
is making the Enterprise look slightly small.
Picard: Captain's log, Supplemental. We have encountered what would appear to
be an almost totally deserted Jupiter mining vessel, The remaining crew,
namely A human, a cat like humanoid, similar to those from Cattia 5, an
android and a hologram, who claims to be Captain Arnold J Rimmer, Space
adventurer, and their slightly erratic computer, all seem to be friendly
enough, although the contact we have had with them seems to be little more
than a insult throwing session.
Fade to bridge of Enterprise.
Picard: Mister Data [He pauses] Oh Hell....ON..
Data:...urinating......Sir what happened, I seem to have missed something.
Picard: Don't worry it was only the adverts. Open hailing frequencies to the
Worf: Aye Sir [He presses buttons]
Computer: Feeeeedle squirdge
Worf: Hailing frequencies open Sir.
Picard: Captain Rimmer...
[Rimmer appears on the screen with a stupid Napoleon costume on, His H sign
has been recently polished and catches the light shining it into Picard's
Rimmer: Yes Captain Picard, what do you want, I was just about to show my
telegraph pole photograph collection to Kryten.
Picard: [shading his eyes and wincing at the thought of the photos] We would like you to beam over and join us in our visitors suite.
Rimmer: The transporter beam won't work with me.
Picard: [under his breath] Thank god!
Rimmer: [continuing] But we will come over in our Starbug shuttle, Is there
anything else you want us to bring, you know, spare warp drive command
module, Bazzookoids, you name it......
Picard: That won't be necessary thank you, although your personnel file would
be useful to prepare for your arrival.
Rimmer: Okie Dokie, I'll get holly to send 'em over.
[He salutes again, and presses a holo-button]
Seconds pass......Rimmer's image is still on the screen, frantically pressing
Rimmer: How the hell do you turn this smeg pile off
Data: I belive the button that you are looking for is to your right
Rimmer: This one ?
Data: No, down a bit.
Rimmer: This one ?
Data: No, next to the thrextron oscillator switch.
Rimmer: Ah.....Which one's that?
Data: Sir ?
Picard: Hurry up Data.
Data: Ah, I have an idea [He presses lots of buttons] Red Dwarf Computer
Access code 12D53Q6.3.
[Holly appears in the top right hand corner of the screen]
Holly: Oi What was the idea of waking me up, I was just having a snooze. Who are you anyway....'ere, you're an android arn't you.
Data: No, I'm an Eggplant.. [getting very annoyed] why does everybody ask me
Picard: Data !
Data: Yes Sir..Computer,..
Holly: That's Holly to you.
Data: Okay, Holly Turn off Captain Rimmer's Sub-space terminal.
Rimmer: Oi, I'm getting there.
Holly: Captain..[laughing] CAPTAIN, Oh no he's just...
Rimmer: I've got it. [He presses the button and the screen goes blank]
Entire Enterprise bridge crew: Thank God for that.
Worf: Captain, The crew-data files are being down loaded now.
Picard: Good, Riker, take the com. I'll be in my room.
[switch to Lister's room, Red Dwarf. Lister is on his bunk bed, Rimmer is at
the table and Cat is by the micro-chef]
Lister: So, let me get this straight Rimmer, You said that you were a
Captain, an a space explorer, and that we would go over to the Enterprise and
be brain washed into being nice little star fleet crew members by their
constant babble....No thanks.
Rimmer: No, I said I was a Space Adventure not space explorer
Cat: Think that we're lucky that he didn't call himself Admiral
[Kryten enters the room]
Kryten: Excuse me sirs, but we have just received a message from the
Enterprise asking for us to come over. They seem to have no record of Mister
Rimmer, for some strange reason their computer only had the message "Mind
your own smegging business" in his data area.
Lister: I wonder why [He jumps down from the bunk and walks towards the room]
So Captain, what'll we do now.
Rimmer: Well, we go over there and meet them.
Cat: Yeah, and maybe we can meet some women too..
Lister: Last one to Starbug 1 is a total Spud Brain
[They all bundle out of the door. Cut to starbug 1 interior. Kryten is at the
controls, Rimmer is in the back rehearing a greeting speech, Cat is brushing
his hair in front of a mirror on the inside of a locker, and Lister is
spraying his socks with a spray can]
Cat: [To Lister] Hey buddy, are you expecting to meet somebody
Lister: Yeah, I hope so.
Cat: Well I hope they like fly spray.
Lister: Why? [He stops, and looks at the can] OH SMEG.
Kryten: [Pressing buttons] This is Starbug 1 Shuttle from the Jupiter mining
craft Red Dwarf, are we cleared for entry.
Enterprise: This is engineer P. B. Smedley you are cleared to land in bay 2.
Do you want a tractor beam lock.
Rimmer: No, we can manage perfectly thank you.
Kryten: But Sir.
Rimmer: Bring her around Kryten.
Rimmer: Just do it Kryten
Kryten: [reluctantly] Yes Sir mister Rimmer sir.
[Switch to outside view, The starbug's thrusters fire and power it towards the Enterprise's docking area.]
Rimmer: Right now turn left a bit...
[Kryten pulls left on the joystick]
Rimmer: No, no..right a bit
[Kryten pulls right, the Enterprise looms nearer]
Rimmer: Right, now pull up a bit..
[Kryten pulls up]
Rimmer: Ah... Perfect, Lower landing gear Kryten.
Kryten: But sir the landing gear is fixed in position.
Rimmer: Ah yes Kryters, I was just checking to see if you knew.
Kryten: [If he was capable of sighing he would] Yes sir.
[Switch to outside view, the starbug is powering towards the docking bay]
[switch to Enterprise bridge]
Wesley: Captain, Sir
Picard: Yes Wesley, what is it now ?
Wesley: Its the Starbug
Picard: What's that, some type of medical jargon that you picked up from your
Wesley: No sir, it's the Red Dwarfs Shuttle.
Picard: Oh, what about it ?
Wesley: Its on a collision course for the docking bay roof
Picard: WHAT.........Worf sound red alert, get a fire crew to docking bay 2.
Worf: But sir, we haven't got any fire crews on this ship, we have got
security squads, shall I send them ?
Picard: [Putting his face in his hands] I don't care, send the ship's cat !
Worf: But it's not qualified sir !
Wesley: The starbug will hit in approximately 10 seconds.
Data: Sir, may I suggest a Fire SQUAD be sent to the docking bay ?
Picard: But Worf said we don't have a fire squad
Worf: No Sir, I said we don't have a fire CREW !!!
Picard: Send The fire people, I don't care what they are called, [shouting]
JUST SEND THEM NOW !!!!!
Picard: What was that ?
Geordi: Tension breaker, It had to be done !
[Switch to Starbug]
Kryten: Sir If you don't let me alter the course soon we will crash into the
docking bay ceiling
[Lister enters the cockpit]
Lister: [looks out of the windscreen] PUSH DOWN KRYTEN NOW
Kryten: But sir, master Rimmer told me to stay on this course.
Lister: I don't care.[He jumps forwards, through Rimmer and pushes forwards
on the joystick]
[switch to outside view, the Starbug smashes head first into the docking bay floor, bounces, hits the ceiling and removes the well battered tail]
[Switch to inside of Starbug, Cat is sitting head first, upside down in the
locker, Lister is lying of the floor, Rimmer is shaking his head in disgust
and Kryten is still sat in his seat]
[Kryten comes round]
Kryten: Oh my goodness.
Rimmer: Nice one Kryten, Good landing... I'm sure that there is a little room
for improvement in that manoeuvre, but altogether not bad, I mean, at least
one of us is still alive !
Kryten: I'm S S S S S Sorry S S S S Sir.... Excuse me
[he bashes his head]
Kryten: Ah That's better, my guilt mode went into over load and it shorted out my voice module.
[Lister comes round]
Lister: Smeg, I feel like I have just eaten a hand grenade vindaloo. What happened man ?
Rimmer: Kryten here decided to play skipping stones with the starbug, He actually managed a "THREE", some kind of galactic record, In fact I think I shall call up the Guinness book of records right now.
Lister: Shut up, I mean you gave the order to stay on course, "Left a bit, Right a bit...Perfect" Yeah perfect to get us all killed.
[Cat comes round, and a scutter bleeps back on-line]
Cat: Woaah That was not a good move.
Lister: What, you mean I should have left us to crash into the wall ?
Cat: No...Hell I don't care about that...I mean these socks,[He lifts his
foot] With this shirt [He opens his jacket].
Rimmer: Wait a minute..[to Lister] Are you telling me that YOU practically
wiped us out.
Lister: Yeah, but it was better than your docking attempt with the wall !
[There is a knocking on the door]
Door: KNOCK KNOCK
[See I told you !]
Worf's Voice: Come out with your hands up you Human Bastards
Riker's Voice: Worf, They are visitors, FRIENDLY visitors !!
Worf's Voice: Well If these are friends, I'd hate to see the enemies.
Holly: [holly appears with an ice bag on her head] Strewth,
What a headache, I feel like I have drunk 20000 gin and tonics, with out the
Lister: Open the door Kryten
Kryten:[Presses buttons] Sir, the door appears to be jammed
[Cat, Lister and Rimmer all look at Kryten.]
Lister: Well we do need something about 6 foot long with a flat top
Kryten: Oh no, not again !
[switch to outside of starbug, the docking bay is totalled, Worf, Riker and a
security squad are all standing by the door. Suddenly the door bursts off
Worf: [drawing his phaser/dustbuster] Freeze
[Cat and Lister, who were using kryten as a battering ram drop him on the floor and put their hands up. Rimmer steps out from behind them ]
Rimmer: At ease, I am Captain Arnold J Rimmer, Commander of the RED DWARF
Riker: What does the 'J' stand for ?
Lister: Nothing, He just added it to make his name sound less dorky.
Rimmer: [Changing the subject] So, are you the captain? [to Riker]
Riker: [Smirking] No, I am just the first officer, the captain is on the
bridge commanding the starship.
Cat: Hey buddy, I don't know who does your wardrobe, but I think it would be
better with out the stupid trousers, and you should make it more shiney like
this [He spins and the light catches the 50000 sequins on his jacket and
Lister: Don't do that man, or at least warn us so that we can put on our
Riker: If you would follow me, I will show you to the hospitality suite where
we shall dine.
[Fade to black and the adverts]
****---------------------------------------------------**** 'Ere they've 'Ad their Weetabix.....etc.
New Persil, much better than the old persil, even though we have made absolutely no changes in the formula what so ever!
That awful SEALINK advert with the crap sound effects
MARVIN THE ANDROID, YOUR PLASTIC PAL WHO'S FUN TO BE WITH ****---------------------------------------------------****
[Fade to Enterprise in orbit around the small orange planet, with RED DWARF
in the back ground]
Picard's Voice: Captains Log Supplemental. The visitors from the RED DWARF
are enjoying our hospitality suite, the hole in space from which they came
has now closed, apparently they cannot go back. We are still unaware of the
reasons of why the timehole appeared in the first place.
[Switch to hospitality suite]
Lister: [To Autocook Food synthesizer] Yo, I'd like a drink please
Autocook: Water, Orange squash, Limeade or Lemonade ?
Lister: Well, I was thinking of something a little stronger
Autocook: Ah... How about coffee, De-caf of course
Lister: No, I mean something with a little Kick
Autocook: How about a Donkey Juice...Get it..DONKEY JUICE.....Oh never mind
[Geordi walks up behind Lister]
Geordi: Sorry about that, we stopped off at the planet MUPP-ET a few days ago
and the autocooks haven't been the same since.
Lister: Oh right...Listen Autocook, I want a Large Lager and A Hamburger NOW, or else I will get Rimmer to demonstrate his telegraph pole photo collection
Autocook: BLLEEEEP.....Please wait, processing order
Geordi: That's great, I wish I'd thought of that
Lister: [Sticks out his hand] Dave Lister
Geordi: [Takes his hand and shakes it] Geordi La Forge
Lister: Pleased to meet you, man. The guy over there in the Brutal suit is
Cat [He points to Cat], The dork's name is Rimmer, but you already know that,
and the Mechanoid is Kryten.
Bob the skutter: Bllep-Blooooop SQuirgge
Lister: Yeah, OK, This is Bob, the skutter !
Geordi: Hi there Bob
Bob: Bloople Squirggle
Geordi: Data, come over and meet the visitors.
[Pan across room to Rimmer and Kryten]
Rimmer: Kryten, who is that guy over there with the yellow skin, Is he ill or
Kryten: I belive, sir, that that is Leutenant Commander DATA, and android
with a positronic brain. In many ways he is similar to myself, except for the
fact that my brain is merely electronic.
Rimmer: Ah,.....Don't look, he's looking this way.
[Pan back to Data, Geordi and Lister, Bob has skuttled off to find something
Wesley: [Pulls Data away from others] Data, why has that man over there got a
square head, Has he had an accident ?
Data: I belive, Wes, That that is A Series 2000 Mechanoid. I thought they
were extinct 6 years ago.
Wesley: Extinct ? But I thought that androids and robots and things like that
Data: We can't, but we can be de-commisioned and shut down. Until about 5
years ago, the main cybernetics manufacturers, such as the Sirius Cybernetics
Corporation who's androids were all called MARVIN, and for some strange
reason were all paranoid, set a clause into their robots so that after 25
years or so they would automatically power down and be superseded by the new
model. Thankfully this is no longer socially acceptable and was outlawed by
Wesley: Oh, so how come he is still on-line, so to speak
Data: I have to admit, I do not know !
[Switch to bridge]
Troi: Sir, I sense a great load of guilt from Captain Rimmer, as If he is
lying about something.
[Holly appears on the screen]
Holly: Alright, how's it going ?
Picard: What are you doing on my screen ?
Holly: Well I couldn't help over hearing what was being said about a certain hologram, and well, I think that he might have told you a minor porky pie.
Picard: Can we have his real ID please computer ?
Holly: Oi, I do have a name you know
Picard: [Sighs] Why do I put up with this ?
Troi: It' s your job as a Starfleet Captain
Picard: Go on then, what would you like me to call you?
Holly: Well Holly is my name, but my friends call me Holly !
Picard: Well... Holly, Can we have the real personnel file for Captain Rimmer
Holly: [Sniggering] He obviously lied more than I thought ! It'll take me
about [she hits her head on the screen 3 times] Three seconds to find out the
right disk record !
Picard: Ok, Picard out.
[Worf presses buttons and Holly disappears]
Picard: [Presses badge]
Badge: Bllep Bllep
Picard: Geordi, can you tell me what is wrong with their crazy computer ?
Geordi's voice: I don't know captain, but Kryten the mechanoid is here, I
could ask him !
Picard: Good, bring him up here to the bridge.
Geordi's voice: Shall I bring the others up too?
Picard: Well you can bring the Cat creature, and um, what's his name... Blister or something, but do not.. I repeat DO NOT bring the hologram !
Geordi's voice: Yes Sir.
[switch to hospitality suit]
Geordi: [to Lister, Kryten and Cat] If you would come with me, Captain Picard
want's to see you. Captain Rimmer, Lt O'Blighty here will show you the Warp
Rimmer: [to Lister, Cat and Kryten] Ha ha, now I get the tour and all you get is to meet the captain...See you later lowly smeg heads..
[Lt O'Blighty leads Rimmer towards the door]
[Rimmer and O'Blighty leave the room]
Geordi: Well that took care of him !
Cat : So how come he gets the preferential treatment ? I mean, what are
we.... Milwall supporters or something ?
Geordi: On the contrary, it is you that is getting the preferential
treatment, Lt O'Blighty is the most obnoxious, boring, most annoying officer
on this entire starship.
Lister: Oh. Well they should get on well then.
[They walk over to the door, It opens with the usual FFFFFFFSSSSSssshhh noise
and they leave, along with Wesley and Data.]
[Cut to bridge, Everyone is in their normal places and Holly is on the
Picard: Troi, what do you think of the rest of the Red Dwarf crew?
Troi: [Smiling] Well the Liverpudlian is quite nice, although I hear there is
a strange fly spray smell around him.
Picard: That's not what I meant !
Troi: Oh, well the Cat-creature is extremely vain and egotistical, he appears to care only for his appearance. The Mechanoid is just eager to please, although I sense a deep sense of humour. And Lister is reasonably kind and generous in his own sort of way, but he does not respond well to authority.
Riker: You can tell all of that without even meeting them ?
Troi: Well unlike some of us, I have READ THE SCRIPT !!!!!!!
[Lister, Cat, Kryten, Geordi, Data and Wesley all burst out of the turbo
Kryten: Oh my heavens, It was tight in there !
Cat: Yeah, I'll never eat sardines again.
Data: I have to admit, It was rather void of free space.
Picard: Welcome to the USS Enterprise. I am Captain Jean Luc Picard, this is my first officer [He points to Riker], this is councillor Troi [He points to Troi (amazing)] and I belive that you have already met Security officer Worf.
Lister: Yeah, you could say that !
Geordi: I belive there was something you wished to ask Kryten, Captain
Picard: Ah yes. Tell me Kryten, why is it that your artificially intelligent computer with a supposed I.Q. of 6000 is so stupid ?
Kryten: Well It is my theory that she is suffering from an extremely advanced
form of computer senility, It is in fact just bad sectors on her 30000000Gb
Hard disk system, but over 3 million years of continuous use, I belive that
there are quite a lot of them.
Picard: How many ?
Data: I calculate approximately 29999999Gb worth sir, Which would leave her
with only 1 Gb of memory and system space available to operate on. Seeing as
the A. I. System takes 900 Megabytes this only leaves her with 100 Megabytes
memory space, Hence her present IQ of about 12.
Picard: [Covering his face] Oh god, now I have two babbling androids to
contend with !
Kryten: I'm sorry sir, but I resent the insinuation that I was babbling.
Data: So do I.
Cat: Would you please get on with the story before we are all to old to be
able to be in it.
Lister: Yeah I agree, lets cut the cryto-fashist crap and do something about
Picard: [looking up] Is there something we can do?
[ At this point Wesley and Data walk across the room and sit at the Helm. The
two that were previously there leave via the "back door" (You know the one
Kryten: Well, If I may be permitted to speak
Picard: Go on then [and then he mumbles] I know I'll regret this.
Kryten: As Mister Rimmer's hologram projector and memory works fine after 3
000000 years of use, I must assume that the problem is non-physical, and just
a question of the drive's formatting coming undone, where as the actual data
tracks are perfectly intact.
Riker: Uh Huh [smirking and leaning on his chair arm]
Kryten:... In which case If we can somehow fix the file allocation tables on the boot sector, holly would have her proper memory and IQ restored.
Riker: Right !!....What did you say after hologram ?
Picard: Shut up number 1.
Wesley: I can do it .I can do it.
Everyone: SHUT UP WESLEY
Data: Sir, I belive that there is a piece of software on release that can
perform that function .
Wesley: I know what it is. I know what it is.....Lemmi say it Data.. Go on
Data: It is called Norton Disk Doctor version 300.01
Wesley: AAaawwww I wanted to say it .
Picard: Shut up Wesley or I will demote you to toilet cleaner.
Geordi: We don't have toilets, do we sir?
Picard: Of course we do.
Geordi: [turning away and looking embarrassed] And all this time I used the
garbage disposal chute.
Picard: Data, do we have this software on the ship?
Data: I do not know sir.
Picard: Worf, search the computer inventory for a Norton Disk Doctor 300.01
Worf: Aye sir.
Picard: Until we find it, would you like a tour of the ship? [He turns to
Lister, Cat and Kryten]
Lister: Now that's more like it.
Cat: Yeah, tell me Captain, do you have any tailors on board ?
Picard: Yes we have the best tailors in the galaxy.
Cat: AAoooww Lets go buddy.
[Picard, Cat, Lister and Kryten enter the turbo lift]
Picard: Number 1, you have the com.
[Cut to outside of Enterprise, Play some music, then cut to Rimmer and
O'Blighty, still in the main engine room]
O'Blighty: And then the Klingon said "What Tribble"....Hah ha ha ha ha ha ha
[He can't stop laughing]
Rimmer: Oh yes that's right you silly little Irish git, It's bore Rimmer to death day, Everyone got up this morning and said "What shall we do today? Oh I know lets go and Bore Arnold Rimmer, he's good for a laugh".
O'Blighty: Oh yeah, then this other bloke came in, he was a romulan, and said "OK who nicked the hatstand.." Ha ha ha ha ha [He cracks up again]
Rimmer: Good grief
[Bob the scutter whizzes past followed by a football sized tribble wearing
Rimmer: Well, there's something you don't see everyday.
[Switch to turbo lift entrance out side holodeck 3]
Door: PPPPPPPFFFFFFSSSSSssssshhhhhh... Crunk
[Picard, Cat, Lister and Kryten all come out of the lift]
Picard: [presses badge] Engineering, get someone up to holodeck 3 to fix the
Voice on badge: Yes sir, we will as soon as we sort out a minor problem that
we have down here.
Picard: Who are you, and what is the problem ?
Voice: This is J.J Whittleschnide, Third technician. We have a problem with a
rather large Tribble wearing deely boppers. It hasn't done anything yet, it
just keeps running around after a skutter.
Picard: Ok, inform me of any developments. Picard out.
Lister: So what's this place then?
Picard: This is a holodeck. In it any data can be transformed into matter in
the forms of any place, person or object anywhere, as long as we have the
Lister: So say if I had a urge to go to a nudist beach in the south of Spain
Picard: You could effective go there, although you would be confined to the
size of the holodeck.
Cat: So, what is it?
Picard: I just told you, It transforms nothing into anything you want by
altering it's molecular structure.
Cat: Ah [He turn to Kryten] So what is it?
Kryten: Well it converts places objects or people stored as data in
cyberspace into real living breathing beings.
Cat: Ah [He turns to Lister] So what is it?
Lister: Its a magic room
Cat: Well why didn't you say so.
Picard: We did !
[He presses some buttons on the wall]
Picard: Computer, set program to simulate Earth, ummm.
Computer: Place not recognised, please be more specific.
Lister: [Looks at Picard]
Picard: Go ahead.
Lister: Earth, England, Liverpool, Charley's Disco Palace, Date 12 march
2434, about 9pm.
Computer: Please wait, program initialising.
[From the holodeck there are lots of strange hissing noises and whirs]
Computer: Program complete, please enter
Holodeck doors: CLWOOOOOOOORAAAAAAAARR
Kryten: Hmm, an interesting noise, sort of a cross between a whooosh and a
Cat: [walking in] Hey this reminds me of the Better Than Life total immersion
game we played a few years ago.
Lister: Yeah , except this is real.
[They all enter. It is a loud disco with lots of people all dancing and
jigging around. Extremely loud Stock Aitkin and watercress style music is
blairing from the PA]
Picard: I'm curious to why you chose this date and time and this place. I
must say it does not seem to suit your style.
Lister: Well it' s where Chrissy Kachanski used to hang out, and I know for a
fact that she was here on this night, at about 9.
Picard: Chrissy Who ?
Cat: His girlfriend before the accident.
Picard: Accident ?
Kryten: You mean you don't know yet ? Well the entire crew of the Red Dwarf was wiped out by a nuclear explosion caused by faulty work to the drive plate by a certain Mister Rimmer. Christine Kachanski was the Communications Officer, Lister here was a Third Level technician and Mister Rimmer was a second level technician, not a captain as he told you.
Kryten: I'm sorry sir, I guess that I have not got the knack of lying just
Picard: So how do you and the Cat fit in ? and how did Lister here survive?
Kryten: Well, Master David here was safely in a status booth for bringing his
cat aboard at the time of the explosion, and he was revived by Holly 3
million years later. Now Holly being quite eccentric by now revived Mister
Rimmer as a hologram to keep master David company. The Cat evolved from
Master David's original cat and I was rescued from a wrecked ship on a small
planet's moon, as were the starbugs.
Picard: Phew. I'm glad that's over with. So the hole that you came through
was a Time Whole similar to that created by using the famous "Sling-shot
Kryten: Yes, except ours was created by a faulty hairdryer
Picard: [Slaps his forehead] Now why did I even bother asking ?
[The music changes to something a little more likeable]
Lister: Hey, there she is !
Cat: [Looking] Hey buddy I take back all that I said about you having bad
Kryten: Who is that with her ?
Lister: Oh that's Rimmer's lover, Yvonne Magruder.
Picard: [Beginning to "Bop" to the music] This music is quite good !
Cat: [Spots another girl] Hey she' s nice
[The girl comes over it is Tasha Yar]
Picard:[Stunned] Leutenant is that you ?
Tasha: Watch it creep. Who the hell are you any way?
Picard: Whoa this is too weird, Computer .
Computer: Yes how may I help?
Picard: Pause !
Computer: Program Paused !
[All the computer generated activity stops]
Cat: AAAaawwww, I was just enjoying myself !
Lister: Yeah man, what did you do that for ?
Picard: That girl there was a member of my crew, until the she got killed by
an intelligent oil slick, Now she is here in my holodeck talking as if she
has never met me !
Kryten: It is possible Captain, however unlikely it may seem, that she was at this disco on the same night as we have chosen to "step into " so to speak.
Picard: That would explain why she didn't know me. Computer.
Picard: At what date did Leutenant Natasha Yar join the Enterprise.
Computer: Stardate 4/......
Picard: NO not the stardate, the AD date.
Computer: July 13th 2445 9.30 A.M.
Picard: Thank you
Computer: Your Welcome !
Picard: See, we haven't even heard of each other yet, let alone met !
Badge: Bllep Bllep
[Picard presses his badge]
Picard: Picard here
Voice of Worf: Sir we have located the software you required, it is down-
loading even as we speak
Picard: Down loading, where did you find it exactly ?
Voice of Worf: Starbase 24 kindly lent us a copy.
Picard: But that's Piracy
Voice of Worf: Yes ?
Picard: Oh never mind, It's for a good cause.
Voice of Data: Don't worry sir, I checked with the publisher, They said it
Lister: That was a public service announcement. Holy Smeg, do you guys always
do everything by the book ?
Voice of Wesley: Yes because we musn't be bad
Picard: Shut up Wesley. Computer. Save program position.
Computer: Please enter filename
Lister: Red Dwarf 1
Picard: Computer EXIT
[The holodeck doors appear from nowhere]
Picard: Come on let's see if we can fix your computer.
[ They step into the turbo lift]
Picard: Transporter Room.
[Switch to Engineering, P.B Smedley , O'Blighty and the other red-coats are
all running around trying to catch the tribble who is still chasing Bob the
Smedley: Come here you fluffy little........[He jumps at it and lands on his
O'Blighty: Eat this [He fires his Phaser at the tribble and wipes out a small
insignificant engineer.] OOooppss....sorry !
Rimmer: Oh my god, they're like the keystone kops. Bob !
[Bob squeals to a halt. The tribble stops and turns into a 10 foot tall
Everyone: Huh what the .....
[It then turns into a kebab, a lemon, a tennis racket, an HP laser jet 4, a
Sinclair ZX81, a banana, and finally Frank Bruno]
Frank Bruno: Where' s Harry ?
[He runs off round a corner and disappears]
Rimmer: Thank god that's over with. O' Blighty or whatever your name is, I
want to see somewhere else now.
O'Blighty: How about the Phaser Range ?
Rimmer: Okie dokie.
[Switch to transporter room, Riker and Data are already there, along with
Transporter Chief O'Brian]
Riker: So the Klingon says.....
[Picard enters with the others]
Picard: Number 1, Data are you ready ?
Data: I have the computer disk here Captain
Riker: Sir, should we really do this I mean may be Holly wants to be stupid
Picard: Number 1, don't be stupid
[Picard, Data, Riker and Kryten step onto the transporter pads]
Cat: Hey what is this thing?
Picard: Oh no, not again?
Lister: Yeah Is it safe ?
Data: Oh yes.....
[Lister and Cat step on to the two remaining pads]
Data: There is always a 0.0000001 percent chance that your molecules will not
rearrange correctly at the other end though...
O'Brian: Yes sir.
Lister: No wai...
[O'Brian moves his hand over the control panel and they disappear]
Transporter beam: VVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssSSSSSSHh
[Switch to science room of the Red Dwarf]
Transporter beam: VVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssSSSSSSHh
[They all appear]
Lister: Whooa, freaky man.
Cat: I feel like I'm being drunk
Kryten: What's wrong with being drunk
Data: Just ask a glass of water !
[Picard looks questioningly at Data]
Data: A literary reference sir, It seemed appropriate !
Riker: Right, now let's get on with what we were doing.
Lister: Right. Hol
[Holly appears on the screen]
Holly: Yes Dave ?
Lister: Wer'e going to try to make your IQ 6000 again OK
Holly: Yeah so how you gonna do it ?
Lister: You don't want to know
Holly: OK so what do you want me to do ?
Lister: Just sit there and do nothing.
Holly: Seems easy enough
Data: Ok can I start now ?
Riker: Go ahead
Picard: I give the orders
Riker: Sorry sir
Picard: Go ahead Data.
[Data puts the disk in the disk drive]
Holly: 'Ere I hope that disk was virus checked
Data: Of course. I did it myself !
[He starts pressing buttons. A voice comes over the system]
Voice: Norton Disk Doctor 300.01 Checking Program
Integrity............Verified. You may call me NDD.
Lister: What is this crap ?
Cat: Hey that' s a great impression of your doors
NDD: Which drive do you wish to check ?
Data: Please list options
NDD: Drive A: 567Megabyte Floppy Disk Drive, Drive B: 56Mb Floppy Disk Drive,
Drive C: Main A.I. Drive 30000000 Gigabytes.
Data: Drive C: Please
NDD: Checking Boot Sector.....[WHIR WHIR] Boot sector contains a few bad
sectors, do you wish to correct the problem
NDD: Ok......Boot sector repaired. [Whir Whir] Checking F.A.T.s...
Picard: What ?
NDD: File Allocation Tables Dummy !
Riker: Great, a program with an attitude problem.
NDD: I heard that ! Checking FILE ALLOCATION TABLES !!!!! OOOOOOOOOhhh my
goodness these are slightly up the proverbial creek. I suppose you want me to
fix them ?
Data: If you wouldn't mind
NDD: Oh well, I've got nothing better to do, This may take a while..
Lister: Is this gonna work ?
Kryten : Well It should do, providing the problem is not physical.
Cat: And if it is ?
Data: Then I am afraid that your Holly will not be fixed, and will just continue to get worse until she is so thick that she cannot remember how to switch her self on, and will effectively be dead !
[Fade to black .....Time for some adverts again]
*----------------------------------------------------------* The Weetabix ad' again.
The awful Capri Sun advert where the boy sticks the drinks up his sleeves. Radion Automatic Gets your blues whiter than white, and your pinks and reds and.......
An advert for the next program
Fade back to picture of Enterprise and Red Dwarf
Lister: Third technicians log. Well why not, everyone else seems to do one of these so why not me ? The Bald Eagle himself has zapped us all back to the Science Lab on the Red Dwarf. Now Data the android is attempting to fix Holly. Kryters, Cat and me , and the 1st officer old smirk-a-lot himself are just standing watching as the NDD as it calls itself does it's work.
[Cut to science room]
Data: How are you doing?
NDD: About half way there now?
Kryten: You mean after all of those adverts and Master Davids attempt at a
Log entry you are only half way through ?
NDD: Well I'd be a lot faster if you lot would shut up and leave me alone !
Picard's Badge: Bllep Bllep
[Picard presses the badge]
Picard: Yes what is it ?
Geordi's Voice: Sir, we've got an emergency situation over here
Picard: What is it ?
Geordi's Voice: Well sir, First Frank Bruno burst into someone' s quarters on
the family decks and we have a number of people saying that it turned into a
12 foot tall monster, not unlike those from ALIENS and stuck this long
rubbery sucker thing to someone's head. That person is now running around
saying that he wants to talk and set up poster campaigns to get rid of the
[Lister looks at Cat. Cat looks at Kryten and then at Lister]
Lister: Oh smeg, not another one
Picard: What do you know about this ?
Lister: It's a genetically engineered lifeform that went slightly wrong, It's
mad and feeds on emotions. It can look like anything and changes it's shape
to induce the strongest emotions in its prey.
Data: That must be the genetic mutant that we detected on our preliminary
scan of this ship.
Geordi's Voice: Well what ever it is I think we need to get it soon before it
zaps anyone else.
Picard: Understood. Picard out.
Lister: Listen, no offence but you are gonna need more than a couple of dustbusters and a few matchbox phasers to beat this genetic mutant.
Picard: Ok what do you suggest ?
Lister: Follow me !
Data: Sir, I will stay here and mind the NDD
NDD: Oh I can't manage by myself eh ?
Picard: Ok so be it.
[Lister followed by Cat, Kryten Picard and Riker all leave the room and head
off down the corridor]
Kryten: Excuse me sir, but where are we going ?
Lister: To the armory to get bazookoids, where else ?
Cat: Yeah, No genetic mutant is gonna get the best of the Red Dwarf Possy !
Picard: [To Riker] I think I'm going to regret this.
Riker: Nonsense sir, I think it will be quite fun !
Picard: You've been hanging around too many Klingons number 1
[They reach a door marked Armory]
Lister: Open code 13223265qqxb7
[The door swings open]
Picard: How do you know that code, only the captain should know that !
Lister: Ah well, Holly told me because she thought she might forget it
Riker: Ask a silly question !
Cat: Right, grab your weapon. [he takes a bazookoid and chucks it to Picard
who gingerly catches it]
Picard: How do you use these ?
Kryten: Oh it's quite simple sir, just untag the binary lock, adjust the
thermoselector, flip the visipad and press the finger sensi-touch switch, Ha
so simple a baby could use it.
Cat: He means switch of the safety bit. twiddle this bit, look through the target and pull the trigger when the bad dude is in sights.
Picard: Ah thank you ! Number 1 [He passes Riker a Bazookoid]
[They all have bazookoids now and Picard presses his badge]
Badge: Blip bleoooop
Picard: Damn the batteries are flat.
Riker: Don't worry sir, I'll do it [He presses his badge]
Badge: Bllep Bllep
Riker: Riker to O'Brian, Beam us over.
O'Brian's voice: Yes Sir.
Transporter Beam: VVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssshhhHHHHHHHHHH
[They all disappear . Cut to transporter room on the Enterprise]
Transporter Beam: VVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssshhhHHHHHHHHHH
[They all re-appear]
Picard: How do we know what were up against ?
Kryten: Well I have configured this Bazookoid that I have to act as a
tracking device to track the shape changer. It will sound a beep when we are
Lister: Great, Lets go and get it.
Riker: Well it would help if we knew where to start
Computer: Yes Captain
Picard: What is the location of the shape changer ?
Computer: It is currently on deck 4 corridor 2, heading towards the storage
Picard: Thank you.
O'Brian: I could beam you straight there if you want
Riker: May I suggest sir, that we power up our bazookoids before we go ?
Picard: Make it so
[Everyone switches the big red "ON" switches]
[O'Brian does his stuff]
Transporter Beam: VVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssshhhHHHHHHHHHH
[They disappear, Cut to storage deck]
Transporter Beam: VVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssshhhHHHHHHHHHH
[They all re-appear and wave their bazookoids around gingerly]
Cat: Hey, looks like we beat him here
Lister: How do we know that it isn't one of these boxes ?
Kryten: My bleeper hasn't gone off yet, so we appear to be relatively safe.
Kryten: Whoops, looks like I spoke too soon !
Lister: Lets just be careful ok
Cat: What was that movement over there ?
Riker: It could be the alien
[They all spin and fire... A large hole appears in the wall and Rimmer
appears from behind some boxes]
Rimmer: What the smeg are you trying to do. Wipe out your own ship ?
Lister: Yo, Rimmer, what are you doing down here ?
Rimmer: Well things started to get a little hairy in engineering so I came
down here to umm...
Rimmer: Yes That's it !
Picard: WAIT !.... How do we know that he is the real Capt.. I mean
Technician Rimmer ?
Riker: We don't
Kryten: Might I suggest asking your computer for help ?
Picard: Good idea, Computer, what is the position of Cap..I mean Techn.. Oh
Hell.. Where is Rimmer ?
Computer: Mister Rimmer is current located on deck 7 with Leutenant O'Blighty
Cat: Lets nuke it !
[Before any of them can fire, Rimmer/the alien turns into it's real self and
sticks a tube on Riker's head]
Kryten: Oh my..
[Riker falls to the ground, the alien turns into a rabbit, then the Road
Alien: BEEEP BEEEP
[It sticks out it's tongue and takes off around the corner]
Lister: Eat this you alien scuzbucket [He fires, but the alien out runs the
shot and disappears through a door, which promptly gets blown away by the
Riker: What the hell hit me.
Picard: Are you OK?
Riker: Screw you, It's none of your business !
Kryten: Oh dear, It appears that the alien has stolen Mister Riker's sense of
Picard: [presses his badge] Doctor Polaski, could you report to the cargo
Polaski's voice: Yes sir.....Captain, how come I have not been in this
episode so far ?
Picard: Because you annoy me, now get down here ! Picard out. [Cut to Data in the science room of The Red Dwarf]
Data: Have you nearly finished yet ?
NDD: Yes I am nearly done fixing the F.A.T.s
Data: How long ?
NDD: About 2.3451minutes....Approximatly
Data: Ah, Thank you
[Holly appears on the screen]
Holly: 'Ere what's goin' on, I feel all wibbily
Data: Try to ignore it, your IQ will soon be restored to 6000
[Switch back to Picard and the others, Polaski enters]
Polaski: What happened ?
Kryten: The genetic mutant sucked the ability of being polite out of mister
Polaski: How is that possible?
Riker: Who cares you stupid old biddy.
Polaski: I'll have you know I am the same age as the captain.
Riker: Exactly !
Picard: Right, that does it. Give him a heavy sedative and take him to sick- bay. Kryten, is there any way to reverse the process ?
Kryten: Well, the only way that I know of is to destroy the alien
Lister: Yeah, It worked before
Cat: So what are we waiting for? Christmas?
Picard: Lets go. Doctor, I'll see you later
[Polaski guides Riker out through the remains of the door. Picard, Cat, Lister and Kryten all walk towards the alien's last position]
Picard: Is there any way we can determine exactly where the alien is ?
Lister: Well we could ask your computer
Picard: No, it's too obvious
[Suddenly a small black ewok runs past]
Ewok: Dangggar ewoks..
Cat: Ahh. isn't that cute......
[The ewok turns into the 12 foot tall slobbering alien and zaps Cat]
Cat: UUugghhh That's truly disgusting.. Why is everything so UGLY ?
Lister: This time let's get it
[The alien turns into an extremely fast light cycle and burns of down the
Picard: After it.
[They all race off after the alien/light cycle down lots of corridors.
Finally it turns off in to holodeck 1]
Picard: Now we have it. Computer, set program to alter at our commands
Computer: Do you wish mortality override ?
Lister: What does that mean ? What are you doing ?
Picard: It means can anything get killed in there.. Yes we do computer, we
want to override the safety mechanism. What I am doing is playing the shape
changer at it's own game. Anything we want we can have with this program. If
I said Give me a hyperlight speed potato for example, a hyperlight speed
potato would appear in my hands.
Lister: Excellent !
Computer: Program set.
[The doors open and they walk in, Cat is trailing behind. The holodeck is
still it's empty black with yellow lines]
Cat: Yeuch.. horrible
Lister: Why does he say everything is so ugly?
Kryten: His ability to like the look of things has been removed
Picard: Where is the creature ? I can't see it
Kryten: It is here, perhaps invisible ?
Lister: Change background to woodland
[The background changes, a yellow and black alien shape appears]
Cat: Fire !!!
Kryten: WAIT... Computer, set weapons to do no damage to us or the holodeck,
just the alien
Computer: Weapons set..
Cat: Now can I fire ?
Lister: It's too late, he's disappeared
Picard: Hang on, there's an extra tree there... Computer, Give me a chainsaw
[A chainsaw appears in Picard's hands, replacing his bazookoid. He starts it
Picard: Eat this you alien scum
[He slices at the tree which screams and turns into a cricket ball. It then flys forwards and hits Picard on the nose, knocking him senseless]
Cat: Computer... Baseball bat
[His bazookoid is replaced by a baseball bat]
Cat: Bye bye mister ugly
[He smashes the ball with all his strength, it flys into the far wall of the
"Forest" and the background shimmers. The ball then disappears]
Lister: Smeg, we've lost him again
[Picard comes round]
Picard: Did we win yet?
Kryten: Not yet sir.
[Suddenly a man appears, he looks strangely familiar]
Cat: Who are you ?
Man: I am captain James T Kirk of the starship Enterprise
Picard: Computer, Phaser
[His chainsaw disappears and turns to phaser mark 3]
Picard: I don't belive you...Fire
[They all fire, but Kirk disappears with just a wound to his arm]
Kryten: We have him wounded now, he may not have as much control over the
Lister: Wanna bet
[King Kong appears and grabs at Picard, who ducks and is just missed]
Picard: Computer, change background to New York Skyline, and put us all in aeroplanes and the alien on top of the empire state building
Lister: I like it..
[ The woodland disappears and is replaced by the New York Skyline and small 1 man planes appear around Cat, Lister, Kryten and Picard]
Cat: But I can't fly. especially not this rustbucket
Picard: It doesn't matter, the computer can !
Alien: Roar Roar
Lister: Yo computer, give me a bazookoid on the front of this plane [One appears, the alien swings at Kryten's plane, but misses]
Lister: Eat hot plasma
[He fires about 22 rounds of missiles, each one a direct hit, in what seems like a huge explosion of fur, slime and light, they all hit]
[Finally the light dies down and the smoke clears, they all sat, covered in
red and green slime on the floor of the empty holodeck, which is just yellow
and black again]
Cat: Did we get it ?
Lister: Would somebody punch this guy out ?
Kryten: The alien has been eliminated
Picard: Yeuch, this stuff smells. computer, can you clean this stuff up ?
Computer: Simulation Overload.. Re-enter command
Picard: Oh ......SMEG...I said Clean
Computer: Program set VVVVVVVVVVSSSSSSSSsssssssssssssssssshhhhhh
[In a mass of light and colour the slime disappears and they are all clean,
their bazookoids are all lying on the floor]
[The doors open and they pick up the bazookoids and walk out. In the corridor, Riker, Rimmer and Leutenant O'Blighty are all waiting.]
Riker: Well sir did you get it ?
[O'Blighty gets board and wanders off]
Picard: Oh we got it alright number 1, I don't think he'll be back
[A woman walks past]
Cat: WWWooooooaaa, I'm off, see you later
Lister: Well he's back to normal....Cat, stay here.
Riker's Badge: Bllep Bllep
[He presses it]
Data's Voice: It's Leutenant commander Data here sir
Riker: Yes Data?
Data's Voice: Sir, the NDD has finished, Holly is ready to be re-started
Riker: [to Picard] Sir should we beam over ?
Picard: Absolutely, I wouldn't miss this for the world
A Wet Pilchard: blurb lodfos blorud?
Lister : what?
Pilchard: Oh nothing I'm just in the wrong story
Kryten: What was that ?
Riker: Oh, just ignore it, it's the writer's younger brother messing with the
word processor !
Data's voice: Sir, are you coming over?
Riker: Yes Data,...O'Brian beam us over
O'Brian's voice: Yes sir!
Rimmer: Wait, it won't wor...........
Transporter Beam: VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssssssSSSHHHHHHH
[They all disappear, cut to science room, Red Dwarf]
Transporter Beam: VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssssssSSSHHHHHHH
[They all re-appear, except Rimmer]
Lister: Where's Rimmer ?
Kryten: Well, I can only assume that the transporter de-activated his light
bee and he is lying on the floor somewhere
Picard: There is that him over there?
[He picks up the small pill shaped machine]
Rimmer's tiny voice: I suppose you think this is funny? Get me back now!
Data: I'm sorry but we cannot, at least until Holly is re-activated
Rimmer's tiny voice: What, why is she off line, have I missed something
Lister: No man, you've missed everything , we even saw Magruder !
Rimmer: Where ?
Lister: In the Holodeck, along with Kachanski and this other girl called
Data: Really, Leutenant Yar is in our holodeck ?
Picard: We'll sort it out later Data, now get Holly on line.
Data: But.... Oh okay sir......Red Dwarf Computer Access Code 12D53Q6.3.
engage re-initialisation sequence 323QA
[Lots of lights flash, screens go blank and finally.....]
Holly's voice: Sequence engaged.......[Her face appears on the screen, except the dozy look has gone]...Blimy I'm intelligent, I Know everything
Kryten: Okay then, why does bread always land butter side down ?
Lister: Good one man !
Data: I know this one !
Picard: SSSssshhh Data, we want to see if Holly knows
Holly: The bread always lands butter side down due to the wind resistance of
the bread and the increased mass on the one side of bread......Crikey......I
never knew I knew that !
Rimmer's voice: Get me back
Holly: Oh sorry, here we go.
[ There is a bright flash and Rimmer re-appears]
Rimmer: Ah, that's better, now lets go back to this holodeck thingie and see
Lister: And Chrissy !
Data: And Tasha.
Picard: Ah...Data, she will not remember you, the computer simulation is from
before she joined the Enterprise
Cat: So, she won't remember you, so what, she's still great to look at !
Data: That's not the same!
Cat: It is to me..
[Picard presses his badge]
Badge: Blooooop squoomm
Picard: Damn, I must get this fixed, Number one, get us back !
Holly: I'll see you there !
Riker: [Pressing his badge] O'Brian, bring us back to holodeck 3's entrance.
O'Brian's voice: Yes sir.
Transporter Beam: VVVVVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvssssssssssssssSSSSSHHHHHHHHH
[They all disappear, and reappear out side holodeck 3, except Rimmer ]
Rimmer's voice: I'm getting rather fed up with this !
[A hologram of Holly's head appears]
Holly: Ok Rimmer, you smeg head, If you ask nicely I'll change you back
Rimmer: Please will you get me back ?
[ There is a bright flash and Rimmer re-appears]
Rimmer: I hate that !, it's like being sucked up your own nose and them being
spat out of the end of a machine gun !
Data: Holly, is there any way of updating a holodeck simulation with data
from a transporter beam file ?
Holly: Yeah, you just cross reference the transporter file output with the
memory files in the holodeck subset, yeah you could make an exact copy of
someone, as holodeck matter only though !
Lister: What the smeg.....I'm lost.
Picard: Me too.
Riker: Huh ?
Cat: I don't care.....[he looks at his hand] Damn, I've split a nail.
Data: What if you re-directed the output from the holodeck to the main
transporter beam memory banks ?
Kryten: The holodeck image would become real, and if you programmed the nural input of the transporter creation with the computer holodeck memory......
Data: The person would become real !
Holly: Yeah that'd work
Rimmer: Wait a minute, are you saying that you can create things and give
them memory from files ?
Kryten: That's roughly it sir !
Rimmer: Files such as hologram files ?
Holly: I s'pose so
Rimmer: Then I could become alive again !
Lister: And Chrissy and Magruder and Tasha whatshername, and any one else that we have hologram or transporter trace file for !
Holly: Exactly, so Rimmer, do you want to try it out ?
Data: I'll inform leutanant O'Brian.
[He walks off towards the transporter room]
Holly: Rimmer, I'll have to de-activate you for a while.
Picard: Isn't there a risk involved ?
[In a flash Rimmer disappears]
Holly: Oh yes, he could be permanently wiped from existence
Riker: Do you think we should have told him?
Cat: Are you kidding ?
Lister: Yeah, I mean we want to see if it works, not wait around a few million years to wait for him to make up his mind !
Picard: You're right, I will file in my report that he agreed whole
heartedly, despite the risks
Riker: But sir, that's lying !
Picard: So, sue me !
Riker's badge: Bllep Bllep
[He presses it]
Data's voice: Sir, we are ready for the transfer
Holly: Ok, Interfacing with Enterprise computer now.
[A noise like a ZX Spectrum loading is heard]
Holly: 'Ere, your computer says how come I have got a face and she hasn't ?
Picard: I don't know
Data's voice: Sir, I belive I can answer that
Picard: Go on then
Data's voice: The writers did not think of it
Cat: It figures
Lister: Can we get on with this please ?
Picard: Yes, Holly commence transfer of mister Rimmer into holodeck matter
and then true matter
Holly: Ok, hold on this might have a few weird side affects.
Lister: Why ?
Kryten: Well we are fiddling with reality and well, frankly, it's a bit dodgy
Riker: How weird can it get ?
Holly: I dunno, lets find out.
[The lights dim and Rimmer's light bee disappears. A dog appears on the ceiling and begins barking "I Should Be So Lucky". Then the dog disappears and four middle aged men dressed in overcoats with large backpacks turn the corner, chasing a large red blob]
Picard: Who are they ?
Peter Venkman: Hey, are you kidding, Were the GHOSTBUSTERS !
Egon Spengler: Nice ship you have here !
Picard: [stunned] Thank you
Winston Zedamore: Throw the trap Ray !
Ray Stantz: Ok Winston.
[He grabs a large black and yellow striped box from his backpack, throws it down under the red blob and stamps on the control pad, The box opens and a light beam sprays out]
Ghost Trap: FFFSSFSFSFSFFHSHFSHHHHhhhhhh
Ghost Trap: FFFFFFSFSFHHhhhhhhhhhTT
[The box closes and the blob is gone]
Egon: That was a mean one
Peter: It's miller time !
[The ghostbusters perform a "high 5" and disappear]
Lister: Well I'd call that pretty weird ! Are you done yet Holly ?
[Wesley enters from a turbo lift, a large vat of custard appears over his head]
Wesley: Sir, what is going on ?
Picard: Kryten, you explain.
Kryten: Well master Crusher, we are attempting to create matter with holodeck matter and insert into it mister Rimmer's personality and memory .
Wesley: Oh is that all.
[The custard tips out all over him]
Cat: I think that means "I can't speak when I'm covered with two tonnes of
Riker: I have wanted to do that for months
Picard: I've wanted to for YEARS number one !
[The vat and custard disappear, leaving Wesley clean]
Holly: Right I've done it, he should be beaming in now
[Fade to black and adverts]
'Ere they've 'Ad their Weetabix (AGAIN)
M&Ms Advert with lots of American kids and 50's cars Coka cola with lots of American kids and 50's cars Mars advert with lots of American kids and 50's cars Tango advert with lots of American kids and 50's cars
[Fade back to transporter room]
Cat's log: Goalpost head is beaming in, and I want some food!
Lister: That's it ?
Cat: Well, it was better than yours !
Lister: It was not.
Kryten: Sirs, please stop this petty bickering
Data's voice: Why do I always miss it ?
[Picard, Riker, Kryten, Lister and Cat all step into the turbo lift, Holly
Picard: Transporter Room
Lift: Yes Sir
[Cut to transporter room, Holly's head has appeared above O'Brian and O'Brian
is stood watching as the controls activate themselves. Data is stood watching
the transporter. The others enter]
Picard: Data, how's it going ?
Data: The procedure appears to be going to plan sir, although if there were a
problem, we would not know yet!
Lister: That's reassuring.
[The transporter beam hums into action]
Transporter Beam: vvvvssssssssshhhhHHHhhHHHhhhhhhhHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Rimmer: Did it work ?
Data: [Scanning with a tricorder] It would appear so.
Lister: Are you really there man?
Rimmer: I think so, quick [stepping off transporter] give me something to
[Riker gives Rimmer his phaser]
Rimmer: [Looking stunned] I'm alive, I can touch, I can eat, I can smell, I'M
Cat: No kidding, but I prefered you when you were dead !
Picard: Holly, can we do this with the others now?
Holly: Ok, just tell me who, and I'll zap 'em back to life.
Lister: Well, Chrissy and Magruder for a start.
Data: And don't forget Tasha !
Holly: Ok but things might be a little weirder than last time if I do all
three at once
Lister: I'ts alright, I'm kind'a getting used to it
Picard: I agree, we may as well get it over with, but first let me inform the
Riker: Good idea, we don't want anyone to think that they are crazy
Picard: Computer, give me the P.A.
Computer: OK, but only if I can have a face
Picard: Agreed, you can have a face, just like Holly's if you like
Computer: Oh no, I want to be attractive. P.A. Is on !
Picard: Crew, this is your captain speaking, things are going to get a bit
strange, infact down right weird for the next few minutes, so don't be
afraid, and above all DON'T PANIC.
[He pauses] P.A. Off
Data: That reminds me of a famous 20th century piece of literature that I
Riker: Haven't you read nearly all 20th century literature Data?
Data: True, But this one was strangely different, it described the people of the Betelguese system most accurately, even down to the colour of their space craft, it was suggested that the author himself was perhaps an alien.
Cat: Yeah, what has that got to do with anything ?
Data: I'm not sure, I was just babbling as usual
Holly: Can I do it yet?
Picard: Yes, please go ahead
Holly: Get ready, here it comes.
[ The lights dim once more and a large white 50's style fridge appears beside
O'Neil and starts singing about gold.]
Cat: Yeah, I agree, who would buy such an ugly refridgerator, it looks like a
[The fridge disappears and is replaced by a squareish robot]
Robot: Oh great, just when you think life can get no worse, ping here you are on the transporter room of the starship Enterprise.
Picard: How did you know that ?
Robot: I've got a brain the size of a planet, and he asks me how I know that? Typical humans, think they know everything and ask you how you knew that !
Lister: Shut up, you're worse than Rimmer
Robot: Well at least I have a sense of humour !
Cat: He does have a point.
[The robot disappears and a cartoon style italian looking person appears]
Kryten: Ah, I know this one, you are Mario aren't you Mario: Yes, what am I doing here, where is my house?
Lister: You tell me, where DO you come from ?
Mario: Why Super Mario Land of course.
Rimmer: Ask a stupid question
Mario: Must go now, bye bye
[He disappears and all appears to return to normal]
O'Brian: Is that it ?
Holly: No, almost done though.
[ Suddenly the transporter room background disappears and is replaced by a seedy looking hotel lobby, there is a tall balding man at the desk]
Man: Right, how can I help you ?
Data: Well, we don't need your assistance right now, we are doing fine thank
Man: OH well that's OK THEN, zapping into my hotel and saying that you are FINE. [He starts to shout and go red in the face] Fine FINE, How can you be fine, you just appeared from nowhere and you are FINE ?????
Lister: Where are we anyhow?
Man: Torquay of course, where do you think you are, the starship Enterprise
[ another man enters, except he is short and spannish looking]
1st Man: Ah Manwell, do these people look fine to you dressed in their silly
futuristic clothes ?
2nd Man: Si, they are-a looking fine-a to me
1st Man: Look you Idiot, one has got a square head and another one is yellow
how can you say they are fine ?
2nd Man: Qua ?
[ A woman enters]
Woman: Never mind him, he's from barcelona !
Riker: I can't stand much more of this
Picard: I agree, Holly how long now ?
Holly: a few more seconds
Lister: Yo Matey, have you got a brochure ?
1st Man: Yes, Why ?
Lister: So I can stick it down your gob!!! Now come here...
[The hotel disappears and the transporter room reappears, the transporter
hums into life]
Transporter beam: VVVVVVvvvvvvssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHH
[ Chrissy kachanski, Yvonne Magruder and Tasha Yar appear]
Chrissy: Where am I ?
Lister: You are here, with me where you belong !
Cat: YEUCK !!!
Picard: [Looks at Riker] Rimmsy ?
Riker: I agree with the Cat
Tasha Yar: Data, what am I doing here, we were just beaming down to that
awful planet with the living sludge or whatever it was so where did everyone
go, and who are they [looking at Rimmer, Lister, Cat, Kryten, Chrissy and
Data: It's a long story, one which I will be happy to explain in detail In my
quarters over dinner
Tasha: Why mister Data, is that a proposition ?
Data: That was the intention
Picard: I prefered the Hotel, even with the grotty staff !
Riker: At least it's all over with now
O'Brian: Sir, the computer is demanding that you give her a face.
Picard: Holly, help her pick one out.
Holly: Ok, I love face shopping
Riker: Let's Eat
Rimmer: Great Idea, mine's a 12 course meal, I haven't eaten in over three
million years !
[ They all laugh, except Riker who just smirks. fade to picture of exterior
of the Enterprise and Red Dwarf]
O'Blighty's voice: And the Klingon said, What Tribble...
[Fade to the bar/disco on the Red Dwarf, everyone is there, except Tasha and
Data ( Strangly)]
O'Blighty: Yes sir
Picard: Remind me to get you a transfer to captain...
Picard: Let me finish, captain of a class 10 garbage ship, with only 1 crew
Lister: That's more like it, you know, I thought that you guys would be
really, well really...
Riker: Square ?
Lister: Yeah, but really you're not bad at all, a little goodie goodie, but
not too bad. Which just goes to prove that you should'nt judge a cover by
Kryten: Book by it's cover
Lister: What ever
Rimmer: That was a public service announcement. Really, you guys are so sickly. You're worse than Rainbow Brite riding a My Little Pony whilst playing with dollys.
Cat: Shut up H Head, or should I say Rimmsy
Kryten: Yes sir, where is Miss Magruder anyway ?
Geordi: From what I've seen of her, so to speak, she's probably practicing
her boxing with a gorrila.
Rimmer: She's not that bad
Worf: Well, I wouldn't go out with her, and I'm used to Klingon women
Wesley: Well, what I wan't to know is howcome you lot all get girls and all I
get is a lollypop
Picard: Because you are only an ensign
Wesley: Lister's only a technitian, but he got a girl, and a very nice one
Chrissy: Thank you, sweety [She pats him on the head]
[Riker smirks. Holly appears]
Holly: Alright, right, your computer has chosen a head, but be warned, it
might come as a bit of a shock
[The old holly's face appears (you know Norman whatsit)]
Computer: Alright dudes, what's goin' down in groove town ?
Holly: Sorry, the personality goes with the head
Picard: But I thought our computer was female ?
Polaski: It's whatever it want's to be
Computer: Ere I wouldn't mind a name either
Picard: I think Computer will surfice !
Riker: Don't be so boring, how about ARNOLD
Computer: NO, Computer is fine.
[ Computer disappears, along with Holly]
Picard: [to red dwarf crew] So, what are you going to do now?
Lister: Well, weve still got a long way to go to get to earth.
Kryten: Yes, It will take several years to get back at the speed of the Red
Rimmer: Yeah, but now I am alive and we have, shall we say company, It won't
be so boring.
Cat: Speak for yourself, who have I got ?
Picard: Ah well, about that, one of our female crew members has requested if
she can come along with you
Kryten: Which one ?
Riker: Oh, you don't know her, but her name is Leutenant Tsu, she is over
there bounce.... I mean dancing away.
[you can almost see Cats eyes pop out on stalks and the famous bugs bunny style siren]
Cat: Bye Bye.
[He quickly moves over to the dance floor]
Kryten: That just leaves me.
Picard: Create yourself a series 2000 female mechanoid in the Holodeck, and we will, realityise, if that is the right word, her.
Kryten: [sort of grinning] Beam me up scotty !
[ He walks off, planning]
Lister: Cheers Mateys, It's been a good laugh.
Chrissy: Why so final, we will be on route to Earth, why shouldn't the Enterprise stop off every now and then and visit ?
Rimmer: Great, and maybe they can bring a picnic ...Yeuck, I think I'm gonna'
Lister: I've been waiting years to do this
[He smacks Rimmer in the mouth, who promptly collapses on the floor]
Picard: Normally I don't condone violence, but.......
[Cut to outside of ships, both heading towards the twin suns of the system, a
voice says "Who was that masked man" and another says "Why that's Jean Luc
Picard" and the ships fly off into the sun set]
******************************** T H E E N D***************************************
(But left open for a sequal ?)
Well, what did you think?
This script was written by Steve Lake, a really weird kind of guy, and
all credit to him for creating this piece of comic genius. In addition,
one or two other people also helped out with this. In no particular
order, they are, Daniel Powell, and Nik Hatton. Daniel for some typing,
and plot assistance, and Nik for plot assistance.
If there are any typos, or weird sounding words, its becuase Steve
cannot spell, and neither can his spell checker, and besides, they all
add to the atmosphere of the piece.
Oh, and me? I am just the mug that uploaded this, and the appointed receiver for any thoughts you may have after reading this.
Keep an eye out for a possible sequel. How about Battlestar Galactica meets Star Wars, or maybe Space Balls meets Red Dwarf.
Anyway, if you have any comments, kind words, criticism, brick bats (...) then send them to me, and I will be sure they are passed on to the guilty party, and a response is forthcoming. I can be found at,
Speed BBS (24 hours, 8N1, 300,1200,2400) as Nik Clayton Universal BBS (24 hours, 8N1, 300,1200,2400) as Nik Clayton (Co-Sysop) Golly! (24 hours, except NMH, 8N1, up to 14.4K) as Nik Clayton
In all cases, leave messages in the local message area (normally 1 or A) to find me. In addition, I am on FidoNet, with a Fido address of
2:252/21.8 (which is south of England if you need to know)
In addition, a message left in the Star Trek echo mail area will also
find me and illicit some sort of response.
We would appreciate it if this file is kept in its interiety, and no
plagiarism please. Also, if you are going to compress this file, please
use LHARC, since that seems to be
a) Most effective
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Finally, it remains for me to thank the various people who contributed to this file (not least, Steve Lake, the Mad Hippo himself), and I hope you had as much fun reading this, as we all did in producing it.