Q. What's the difference between a Walrus and an Essex Girl?
A. One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish - the other is a walrus.
Q. Whats the difference between an Essex man & an Essex girl ?
A. The Essex girl has a higher sperm count !
Q. What does an Essex girl say after having sex ?
A. What team do you guys play for !
Q. Whats the difference between Gorbachev and an Essex girl ?
A. Gorby knows the names of the eight people that f**ked him !
Q. What do Essex girls use for protection during sex?
A. Bus Shelters.
Q. How does an Essex girl turn the light out after sex?
A. She shuts the Cortina's door.
Q. How do you make an Essex girl's eyes sparkle?
A. Shine a torch into her ear...
Q. How can you tell if an Essex girl is having a bad day?
A. Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Q. Why does an Essex girl wear knickers?
A. To keep her ankles warm.
Q. Whats the difference between an Essex girl and an ironing board ?
A. Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board.
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and the titanic ?
A. You know how many men went down on the titanic.
Q. What is the difference between a supermarket trolley and an Essex girl?
A. A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
Q. Why is an Essex girl like an old washing machine?
A. They both drip when f**cked.
Q. Why do Essex girls use tampons with long strings?
A. So the crabs can go bungy jumping..........
Q. How do you know when an Essex girl's has an orgasm?
A. She drops her bag of chips.
Q. What does an Essex girl do with her cunt after sex?
A. She takes him down the pub.
Q. What do an Essex girl and President Gorbachev have in common?
A. They both get f**ked by eight men while on holiday.
Q. How many Essex girls does it take to make a chocolate chip cookie?
A. Five. One to stir the mixture and four to peel the smarties.
Q. What's the similarity between an Essex girl and a dog's turd?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up!
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a washing machine?
A. You can dump your load in a washing machine without it following you
around whining for a week.
Q. Why are Essex girls only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.
Q. Whats the similarity between Essex girls and carpenters
A: They both have saws in their box
Q. What do you call an Essex girl with an IQ of 150?
A. Basildon
Q. What does and Essex girl say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
A. Is it mine?
Q. Why was the Essex girl so pleased to complete a jigsaw puzzle in 18 months?
A. Because the box said "From 2 to 5 years"
Q. How do you make an Essex girl laugh on a Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on a Wednesday
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.
Q. Why does an Essex girl drool?
A. Because she is full.
Q. How do you tell when an Essex girl is having her period?
A. She's only wearing one sock.
Q. What's the difference between a computer and an Essex girl?
A. You only have to punch information once into a computer.
Q. What does the label in an Essex girls knickers say ?
A. NEXT !
Q. What's the similarity between Robert Maxwell and Essex Girls ?
A. Both go down in Teneriffe.
Q. Why do Essex girls wear green lipstick?
A. Red means stop.
Q. Why is it good to have an Essex girl passenger?
A. You can park in the handicapped spots.
Q. Why do Essex girls wear so much hair spray?
A. So they can catch all the things going over their heads.
Q. Why do Essex girls wear hoop earrings?
A. So they'll have someplace to rest their ankles.
Q. If an Essex girl and a Surrey girl jump out of an airplane at the
same time, which one would hit the ground first?
A. The Surrey girl; the Essex girl would have to stop to ask directions.
Q. What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent Essex girl?
A. There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
Q. What does it mean if you see an Essex girl with square boobs?
A. She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.
Q. Why don't you let Essex girls take coffee breaks.
A. It takes too long to retrain them.
Q. What did the Essex girl say after the guy blew her in the ear?
A. Thanks for the refill.
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and the Panama Canal?
A. One's a busy ditch.....
Q. Why do Essex girls write TGIF on their shoes?
A. Toes Go In First.
Q. Why do Essex girls like tilt steering wheels?
A. More head room.
Q. Why don't Essex girls like pickles?
A. They can't get their head in the jar.
Q. What do you call six Essex girls in a row?
A. A wind tunnel.
Q. What do you call a Surrey girl between two Essex girls?
A. An interpreter.
Q. What's the first thing an Essex girl does in the morning?
A. Goes home.
Q. What's the mating call of an Essex girl?
A. Gosh, I'm so drunk!
Q. What's the mating call of a Surrey girl?
A. Are all the Essex girls gone?
Q. What do Essex girls and computers have in common?
A. You don't know what you are missing until they go down on you.
Q. What is the difference between an Essex Girl and a Cream Egg?
A. It costs 20p to lick out a cream egg !!!!
Q. What does an essex girl do with her c**t when she's had sex?
A. She takes him for a pint!
Q. Whats the difference between Robert Maxwell and an Essex girl?
A. An Essex girl won't slip off your boat
Q. How is an Essex girl like a beer bottle?
A. They are both empty from the neck up.
Q. What do you call an Essex girl with half a brain?
A. Gifted!
Q. What do you call an Essex girl with a whole brain?
A. A Golden Retriever!
Q. Why is an Essex girl like a turtle?
A. They both get fucked when they're on their back.
Q. Why do Essex girls work seven days a week?
A. So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q. Why do Essex girls wear shoulder pads?
A. (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q. How do you kill an Essex girl?
A. Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q. How do Essex girls pierce their ears?
A. They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q. Why do Essex girls wear red lipstick?
A. Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
Q. Why do Essex girls have TGIF on their shirts?
A. Tits Go In Front.
Q. What does an Essex girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A. Her ankles.
Q. What do you say to an Essex girl that won't give in?
A. "Have another beer."
Q. What's the first three things an Essex girl does in the morning?
1: Says "Thanks guys... "
2: Introduces herself.
3: Goes home.
Q. How many Essex girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daddy!"
Q. What's an Essex girl's favorite wine?
A. "Daaaady, I want to go to Ibiza!"
Q. What do you call an Essex girl with a pound coin on the top of her head?
A. All you can eat, under a quid.
Q. What do an Essex girl and your computer have in common?
A. You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
Q. How does an Essex girl part her hair?
A. (Action of scissoring legs apart).
Q. Why do Essex girls wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where you wash vegetables!
Q. How do you get an Essex girl to marry you?
A. Tell her she's pregnant.
Q. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb Essex girl, and a smart
Essex girl are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill.
Who picks it up?
A. The dumb Essex girl.
why?
There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a
smart Essex girl.
Q. Why did the Essex girl scale the glass wall?
A. To see what was on the other side.
Q. What do you see when you peer into an Essex girl's eyes?
A. The back of her head.
Q. Whats the difference between an Essex girl and a Porsche?
A. You don't lend the Porsche out to your friends.
Q. How does an Essex girl like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized.
Q. Why is an Essex girl like an old washing machine?
A. They both drip when they're fucked.
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a toilet?
A. A toilet won't follow you around when you've dumped in it.
Q. Why did the deaf Essex girl sit on a newspaper?
A. So she could lip read.
Q. How do you drown an Essex girl?
A. Don't tell her to swallow.
Q. What do you do if an Essex girl throws a grenade at you?
A. Catch it, pull out the pin and throw it back.
Q. What do you call an Essex girl lesbian?
A. A waste.
Q. Did you hear about the Essex girl lesbian?
A. She kept having affairs with men!
Q. Why did the Essex girl stop using the pill?
A. It kept falling out.
Q. But why do Surrey girls take the pill ?
A. Wishful Thinking.
Q. Why don't Essex girls use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.
Q. What did the Essex girl say when asked "ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
A. "No, but I've been swung around by the tits."
Q. Why do Essex girl girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A. Who cares?
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a bowling ball?
A. You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
Q. How are a bowling ball and an Essex girl alike?
A1: You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them
in the gutter and they'll always come back.
A2: They're both round and have three holes to poke.
Q. How did the Essex girl try to kill the bird?
A. She threw it off a cliff.
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a limousine?
A. Not everybody has been in a limo.
Q. What do you say to an Essex girl with no arms or legs?
A. "Nice tits!"
Q. Why aren't there many Essex girl gymnasts?
A. When they do the splits they stick to the floor.
Q. Why do Essex girls wear their hair up?
A. To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q. How does an Essex girl interpret 6.9?
A. 69 interrupted by a period.
Q. How do you brainwash an Essex girl?
A. Giver her a douche and shake her upside-down.
Q. What do you call 15 Essex girls in a circle?
A. A dope ring.
Q. Why did the Essex girl go halfway to Norway then turn around & come home?
A. It took her that long to figure out a 14 inch Viking was a TV set.
Q. What do a Ford Escort door and an Essex girl have in common?
A. The more you bang them, the looser they get.
Q. What's the irritating part around an Essex girl's vagina?
A. The Essex girl!
Q. How do you describe an Essex girl surrounded by drooling idiots?
A. Flattered.
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q. What is the worst thing about having sex with an Essex girl?
A. Bucket seats.
Q. What do Essex girls do for foreplay?
A. Remove their underwear.
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl wife and your job?
A. Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Q. Why do Essex girls put their hair in ponytails?
A. To cover up the valve stem.
Q. What did the Essex girl name her pet zebra?
A. Spot.
Q. Why did the Essex girl drown in the pool?
A. Someone stuck a scratch & sniff at the bottom.
Q. How do you get an Essex girl pregnant?
A. Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Q. What do you call a fly buzzing inside an Essex girl's head?
A. A Space Invader.
Q. What is an Essex girl's favorite rock group?
A. Air Supply
Q. Why did the Essex girl have a bruised navel?
A. Her boyfriend's from Essex too.
Q. Why do Essex girls have legs?
A1: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A2: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.
Q. Why did God create Essex girls?
A. Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q. What does a Surrey girl and a tampon have in common?
A. They're both stuck up c*nts!
Q. Why do Essex girls have one more brain cell than a cow?
A. So when you pull their tits, they don't shit on the floor.
Q. What do you call an Essex girl in a tree with a brief case?
A. Branch Manager
Q. How do you amuse an Essex girl for hours?
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
Q. How can you tell if an Essex girl has been in your refrigerator?
A. By the lipstick on your cucumbers
Q. How do you know which computer an Essex girl was using?
A. By the Tippex on the screen
Q. What did the Essex girl customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her
nametag) ?
A. "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
Q. Why is an Essex girl like a door knob?
A. 'Cause everybody gets a turn.
Q. Why is an Essex girl like railway tracks?
A. 'Cause she's been laid all over the country.
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a broom closet?
A. Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a phone booth?
A1: You need 10p to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.
Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and Essex girls have in common?
A. They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q. What does an Essex girl make for dinner?
A. Reservations.
Q. What did the Essex girl say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A. "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a rooster?
A. In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while an
Essex girl says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
Q. How does an Essex girl commit suicide?
A. She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Q. What did the Essex girl say to the physicist?
A. "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Q. Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel
after an Essex girl drives a car?
A. Cause she blows the horn
Q. How do Essex girl braincells die ?
A. Alone.
Q. Why didn't the Essex girl want a window seat on the plane?
A. She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it
blown around too much.
Q. What did the Essex girl think of the new computer?
A. She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get Top of the Pops.
Q. What do Essex girls do with their arseholes in the morning ?
A. Pack their lunch and send them to work.
Q. Why do Essex girls drive cars with sunroofs?
A. More leg room.
Q. Why do Essex girls have orgasms ?
A. So they know when to stop having sex !
Q. How do you tell when an Essex girl reaches orgasm????
A1: She drops her nail-file!!!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says 'Next'
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder
A5: He's had his clothes on for about 2 minutes
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
Q. What does a peroxide Essex girl and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.
Q. What is the difference between an Essex girl and a 747?
A. Not everyone has been in a 747
Q. What happens when an Essex girl gets Alzheimers disease?
A. Her IQ goes up!
Q. What is the difference between butter and an Essex girl?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.
Q. What do Essex girls and spaghetti have in common?
A. They both wriggle when you eat them.
Q. What do you call an Essex girl with a bag of sugar on her head ?
A. Sweet Fuck All...
Q. What did the Essex girl's mum say to her before her date.
A. If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
Q. Why don't Essex girls breast feed their babies?
A. Because it's too painful to boil the nipples.
Q. Why do Essex girls drive VW's
A. Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
Q. Why do Essex girls have see-through lunch box lids?
A. So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
Q. Why wasn't the Virgin Mary an Essex girl ????
A. She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
Q. Why are Essex girls hurt by peoples words?
A. Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q. Why did the Essex girl fail at being a prostitute?
A. Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
Q. What did the Essex girl do when she got her first period?
A. Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
Q. Why are Essex girls like cornflakes ?
A. Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q. Where do Essex girls go to meet their relatives?
A. The vegetable garden.
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a supermarket trolley?
A. The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
Q. How can you tell who is an Essex girl's boyfriend?
A. He's the one with the belt buckle that matches the impression in her forehead!
Q. Why was the Essex girl depressed when she received her driver's license?
A. Because she got an F in sex.
Q. Why did the Essex girl smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A. She realized she gave her last blowjob.
Q. How did the Essex girl break her leg raking leaves?
A. She fell out of the tree
Q. What do you call an Essex girl behind a steering wheel?
A. An Air Bag
Q. What's an Essex girl's favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme.
Q. How many Essex girls does it take to play tag?
A. One.
Q. Why do Essex girls tattoo their postcode under their belly button?
A. So they can get the male into the right box.
Q. Why don't Essex girls have elevator jobs?
A. They don't know the route.
Q. How do you change an Essex girl's mind?
A. Blow in her ear.
Q. What can strike an Essex girl without her even knowing it?
A. A thought.
Q. What do you call a basement full of Essex girls?
A. A whine cellar.
Q. What is it called when an Essex girl blows in another blond's ear?
A. Data transfer.
Q. What do you call an Essex girl skeleton in the closet?
A. Last year's hide-and-seek champ.
Q. Why aren't Essex girls good cattle herders?
A. Because the can't even keep two calves together!
Q. Why do Essex girls have bruises around their belly buttons?
A. Not all Essex girls are women!
Q. What do you call an Essex girl with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant
Q. How many Essex girls does it take to make an electrical circuit?
A. Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!
Q. What's the difference between a group of Essex girls and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A. One's a bunch of cunning runts ...
Q. What do you call an Essex girl between two Surrey girls?
A. A mental block.
Q. Why did the Essex girl cross the road?
A. Never mind that! What was she doing out of the bedroom?!?
Q. How do you confuse an Essex girl?
A. You don't. They're born that way.
Q. What is the definition of the perfect girl?
A. A deaf and dumb Essex girl nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
Q. What do you call six Essex girls lying on the floor?
A. An air mattress.
Q. How do you plant dope?
A. Bury an Essex girl.
Three preganant women (an Essex girl, a Surrey girl and a Sussex girl) are
discussing the facts of life.
The Surrey girl declares, "I'm going to have a boy".
"How do you know?", asks the Essex girl.
"Well, I was on the bottom when we did it and so its going to be a boy",
replied the Surrey girl.
The Sussex girl replies, "If that's the case, my child is a girl because
I was on top".
The Essex girl then starts bawling, "Then I'm going to have a puppy".
This Essex girl and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the Essex
girl said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull you finger out,
I'll sink?"
A Essex girl and a Surrey girl were discussing their boyfriends:
Surrey girl: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Essex girl: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Surrey girl: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Essex girl: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you meant with one guy.
Did you hear about the Essex girl that stayed up all night to see
where the sun went ? It finally dawned on her.
Two Essex girls observed in a car park trying to unlock the door of
their Escort Cabriolet with a coat hanger.
SXG1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
SXG2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain
and the top is down!
Did you hear about the Essex girl that went to library and was thrilled to
find a book called "How to Hug"? She got back home and found out it was
volume seven of the Encyclopaedia Britannica...
An Essex girl was walking along, when she looked up
to observe a bird flying overhead.
Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her.
The Essex girl says, "Good thing I had my mouth
open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!"
Essex girl and Sussex girl walking down the street :
Sussex girl : "Look, a dead bird"
Essex girl : (looks to sky) "Where?"
A helicopter landed at Southend Airport.
Two of the girls from the snack bar went out and threw it bits of bread.
Two Essex girls out walking in the country come upon some tracks.A furious
argument ensues with one of them saying these are moose tracks and
the other insisting that they're deer tracks. They are still fighting
when the train hits them .
Essex man and Essex girl are in the back of his Ford Cortina :-
Essex man: Tracey, can I kiss you somewhere warm, wet and fishy?
Tracey : No, it's far too late to drive to Canvey Island!