Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.slack
From: (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Death Dildo [bad sex fiction, long]
Message-ID: <>
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology
Organization: HappyNet Headquarters
References: <>
Date: Fri, 10 Jun 1994 10:58:09 GMT
Lines: 608

Seen on Reposted in its entirety plus my exegesis. People who don't like films about Shirley Temple dancing with fluffy bunny rabbits should press 'n' now!

In article <>, <> wrote: >
> Death Dildo
> R.J. Moore

Ooh, it's a screenplay by the great R.J. Moore! I hope R.J. copyrighted this so that nobody else could take credit for it because I'm sure *millions* of people envy this incredibly filmic style!

> Fade in
> Exterior
> Night, foggy
> Car driving along a lonely stretch of two lane blacktop.

This stroke film would just be *ruined* if it only had stock footage of a *four-lane* road. I hope they pay extra for the stock footage of the two-lane road!

> Cut to
> Interior
> A beautiful brunette.
> She has high cheek bones,magnificent green eyes and thick natural brows.

More than one brow? And thick? What is she, a Neanderthal? Maybe if they draw some eyebrows on it you won't notice the ridge so much.

> She wears a pair of ivory earring and matching necklace. > She is wearing an off-white business suit, white blouse tie and > white high heels.

Also a white angora sweater. She is played by Ed Wood.

> She is driving , her mind seems far away.

Her mind is shown in the corner of the screen. It is doing a jigsaw puzzle while sipping Tab.

> Cut to
> POV out the windshield of car
> There is a blur of motion.




(Note to director: If you spoil any of the other scenes with bad focus just put them here.)

> Closeup
> Woman's face, surprise. She is jamming on the brakes.
> A thumping noise.
> Long shot
> Exterior
> The car comes to a sliding halt.
> Woman's Voice
> Shit!

Dialogue by Ring Lardner and Terry Southern. Man, this'll take the Best Screenplay award for sure!

> Close up
> Car door opens, white high heels meet the pavement.
> She is slim and tall.
> Camera follows the high heels as she walks past front of car.
> She walks up to a body. A man.
> Clad in black running shorts,t - shirt, and running shoes.
> Woman stands by body.
> Woman
> Son of bitch?

Son of bitch
Hi, I'm Harry Helmsley Jr.

> Medium shot
> She grabs body by the feet and drags him with difficulty to side of road. > She rolls the body down into a ditch. She looks up and down the road. > No body in sight. She goes down into the ditch. Rolls body on its back. > She takes the guys pulse.
> Woman
> Shit.

Not only the Best Screenplay Oscar, but the Least Vocabulary Oscar as well!

(Unless the Band Brothers make another Dollman film.)

> A beat
> She is stares at the crotch area. She run runs her hand over the bulge in > the shorts. Smiling she slips the waistband down with diffuculty.

The waistband has steel radial construction for extra tensile strength. No human could possibly pull on this waistband without diffuculty. The underwear's label says "WEDGIE-PRUF". She uses a crowbar to pull it down. There is a loud "BOING!!!" and several men dressed like various fruits materialize, talking about the Superband Waistband which snaps back wash after wash. They loan her their tractor to get the underwear off.

> The guy is wearing an athletic supporter. She grabs it pulling it aside

Under the athletic supporter he's wearing another pair of underwear, and under that another athletic supporter, and under that another pair of sunglasses. Wait, isn't this a Zucker-Abrams-Zucker gag from the 70s?

> exposing the guys cock. Her slim hand pulls up the guy's dick. > She holds it stretching it up.
> Woman
> Too bad. Could have had use for that tonight.

While talking to herself, she swats at the invisible gnomes that are chewing her flesh.

> Medium shot
> Drops the guys dick back. Raises up. Walks back to the car.
> Long shot
> Gets into car . Drives away.
> Fade out
> Fade in
> Interior
> Close shot
> A table with a big black dildo on it
> and a device that looks like a remote changer for a TV except that
> it just has one button and a short antenna.

It's the remote control that makes Robbie The Robot perform over five hundred functions simultaneously!

> Pull back
> A gloved pair of hands places a vial and syringe on the table with
> the dildo. Closeup on the vial. It says Purssic acid. The needle of the

The "purssic" acid has a sticker saying "PIOSON: KEEP OUT OF RAECH OF CHIDLREN" with a picture of a skull and a bone.

> syringe pierces the rubber top of the vial and the syringe is filled.
> Then the dildo is opened up and the syringe is placed in it.
> Turning the dildo around for the the camera there is a knob on the bottom
> and there is a small hole in the top of the dildo.
> The dildo is placed in a box.
> Fade out
> Fade in

Shake it all about

Fade out again

Fade in again

Insert stock footage of some guys participating in the thrilling sport of rock climing.

A car with a driver inside drives somewhere.

The sun sets.

Volcanoes are giving off smoke on an alien landscape.

A scientist explains how babies are born.

Insert other padding as needed.

Fade out

Fade in

Fade in

Fade in

Fade out

Fade in

> Interior
> A tastefully decorated apartment.
> The woman comes through the door.
> (Its the same woman in the car,still dressed the same.)

How does she get the car through the door, and why is the car dressed?

> She is carrying an armload of mail and her briefcase.
> She sets the mail down and a long package slides on the floor.
> She picks it up and looks at it curiously.
> She opens it and finds a large black vibrator dildo.
> She looks at a piece of paper that falls out.
> Insert
> A printed message that says "Killer Cucumber, a multispeed vibrator.
> Produces vibrating penetration for really deep thrills.
> Special feature for an awesome experience at climax"

Oh, great, it's a SNUFF FILM being posted to USENET. I hope this is all just MADE UP and not A DOCUMENTARY!!!!!

> Cut to
> Woman laughing.
> She stops.
> She looks at the dildo, it seems to hold a curios attraction for her.

The little picture of her mind in the corner of the screen has a little guy inside holding up a sign saying "Wow! What a CURIOS ATTRACTION!" It is written in crayon. The S is backwards.

> Fade out
> Fade in

Fight! Fight! Fight!

> Interior
> Bedroom of the apartment.
> Woman is undressing. She takes off her skirt.
> She is wearing a frothy white half slip.

The froth tastes like cream cheese. The film will not work otherwise.

> Cut away

I'm really tired of these films of women having their clothes cut off with switchblades. Okay, it was fresh when Stanley Kubrick did it, but let's face it, Stanley Kubrick did it in a film that wasn't written by a three-year-old.

> Exterior
> Medium Shot
> From the back.
> A figure wearing a black ski mask , black turtle neck and black pants.
> He spying through the woman's bedroom window.

He bad! He spying, he bad!

We can tell it's the woman's bedroom window because written on it in red lipstick (#401 Rose Shadow) is "THIS IS MY BEDROOM WINDOW. -- THE WOMAN"

> Cut to
> Close up
> White high heels.
> Pull back slowly, pan up.
> Cut to
> Close up
> Thumbs tucked into top of slip. Slowly slide it off.
> Camera follows.

Camera bounces twice.

> Bottom of a white lace trimmed bustier, grater straps frame a beautiful
> slim hips and a tuft of black pubic hair since she is not wearing panties.

She is, however, wearing two athletic supporters.

> Down top of creamy trim thighs to the tightly buckled tops of > grey tone hosiery. On down, she lifts her high heels to steps out of the slip.

Let's see, we've had FIVE words of dialogue, and about FIFTY descriptions of various articles of clothing. Next there will be a list of D-ring sizes and screw thread spacings, with blueprints being displayed.

I must say, though, that the character of... um... uh... you know, one of the ones that doesn't have a NAME...

> Cut to
> Closeup
> Eyes looking between the half drawn blinds of the bedroom.
> Cut to
> Closeup
> Girl undoes the tie and starts to unbutton the blouse.
> Pull back to medium shot
> The white bustier is strapless and the top of well shaped breasts press
> upward from the push up demi-cups.

Genuine orange-flavored Fred Flintstone sherbet Push-Ups!(TM)

> The rest of the bustier is an extravagance of lace and dainty ribbon trimmings.
> Long shot
> Girl walks over to dresser and picks the dildo up. She holds it up to her nose and sniffs it. She looks at the thing quizzically. > She takes dildo with her and sits on the bed.
> She brushes the tip of the dildo on her inner thighs.
> She is getting excited.
> She lays back on the bed stretching raising her right leg slightly.

Angela Lansbury's Stretching Exercises For Seniors.

> She moves the dildo across the top of her stomach,
> she circles the arch her mound of venus with it brushing it through
> her pubic hair.

The dildo feels quizzicallic about this act. The dildo wonders if it can guess the ending of this intricately-plotted film.

> Close-up
> With her left hand she opens the lips of her vagina
> and grazes the tip of the dildo against her clitoris.

Extreme Close-up
Several key nerve endings in the clitoris transmit impulses.

> Pull back to a medium shot
> (Angle is up her legs with her pussy and face in view.)
> With a sharp intake of breath she begins to move her hips rhythmically upward.
> She inserts the dildo deeper and deeper into her vagina.

As in all these bits of Usenet stroke fiction, the dildo is at LEAST sixteen inches long and nine inches wide. She has size 69FFF breasts.

> Cut to
> Eyes looking through window half open window blinds.

Oh no, the film's stuck and we're going to have to watch this scene over and over and over! Help!

> Close up
> A gloved hand removes the small transmitter and palms it.
> Thumb poised over the red button.

Which one of the buttons was the red one?

> Cut to long shot.
> Woman is slowly rolling upward against the dildo working it into her.

She fights the efects of the zero gravity as she floats to the ceiling. She rolls downwards onto the bed.

> Slowly move in to medium shot.
> She moves the dildo in her getting more and more excited.
> She arches her back. Slowly the top of the bustier slips down,
> first one nipple appears then the other, and finally the material slips
> slowly off her breasts. Fine well formed breasts are released from the cups.
> Nipples stand hard with excitement.

Audience sits stiff with boredom.

> Medium shot
> (Her face and the inserted dildo both in view)

In front of a scenic backdrop of Mt. McKinley and the Eiffel Tower. The wallpaper has small paisely patterns in teal and avocado, approximately 3-3/4" across, with the paste neatly applied on the back of the paper.

> (The following goes on for several minutes)

Yeah, pad it out some more. Why, with this much plot, this film could turn out to be long enough to fill the time left when a Zima commercial gets pulled!

> She is bucking and moaning and tossing her head from side to side.
> Her breath comes in gasps. She pushes her heels against the bed
> the musculature of lovely legs rippling.
> Bitting her lower lip a violent shudder runs through her.
> She gasps in an exhilaration of pleasure.
> At a spasm she thrusts the dildo deep into herself shoving it from the bottom.

A plimsoll line on the dildo shows that it has been inserted to its full nineteen-inch depth.

> Cut to
> Exterior
> Close up

Zoom in on the label which says "Approved by the American Dental Association to prevent plaque build-up."

Cut to
Flip cap
Tartar Control Crest.

> Hand held transmitter. Thumb hesitates a second then closes the button.

The thumb's innermost thoughts appear in a corner of the screen. "He wants me to push the button. But am I his thumb or just his stooge? Could it be that I am too weak to push the button? This reminds me of the time in '57 when my father..." [continues for several agonizing minutes]

> Close up
> Her face.
> As a spasm of pleasure washes her face it changes to a quizzical look of pain.
> Medium shot
> She pulls the dildo out. Brings it up to her eyes.
> A needle protrudes from the tip.
> Close up
> Top of dildo. Needle gleams in the light.
> A small bead of clear fluid drools from the top.


> Medium shot
> She flings the dildo away.
> She cups her twat with her hands. Her eyes are wide in terror.

Her six-inch eyes are riveted on the ten gallons of fluid spurting across the room, out the window, and down the street from her gigantic snatch. Her belly button is nine feet across. Across town, Kilgore trout had a dick four miles long, but most of it was in the fourth dimension. <-- VERY OBVIOUS VONNEGUT REFERENCE

> Long shot
> She slides around sitting on the bed reaching for the telephone on
> the night table. With trembling finger she punches two buttons,
> but in an involuntary jerk she drops the phone.
> Her breathing is slow and difficult.
> She tries to pickup the phone but is seized with an involuntary agitation.

Meanwhile, those darn hippies are experimenting with VOLUNTARY agitation! Several are arrested for burning their draft cards.

> She tries to stand but is overcome by another paroxysm
> and falls back on the bed.
> She pitches back on the bed clutching her throat.
> Cut to
> Eyes looking through the blinds.

The eyes follow her across the room. She tries to catch them but they hit the floor and the cat swallows them.

> Medium shot
> Woman's face is contorted, eyes with widely dilated pupils.
> She still has hands about her throat.
> She is pitching her breasts the nipples still stiff whip

Nipple Stiff Whip! Use it with Jell-O(R) brand pudding to make Pudding In A Cloud for YOUR next snuff film party!

> from side to side in the air.
> Cut to a long shot
> She drives the back of her high heels into the bed,
> her head jerks back her body arches so her body rests
> on head and heels only.
> Her arms splay out. She shakes her breasts and thrusts her hips.
> She makes gasping and gurgling sounds.

This is the worst performance art I've ever seen on "Alive From Off Center"!

> Cut to close up.
> Slow motion.
> Her face is a spasm of terror. She starts to foam at the mouth,
> the spittle is flicked with blood. She shakes her head for side to side.
> Earrings and necklace flail in the air.
> Flecks of the foam fly about in slow arcs.

This scene to be rendered by Industrial Light And Magic with digital post-processing by Pacific Data Images.

> Cut to
> Medium shot
> Black clad figure opens and climbs through window.
> Walks over to convulsing woman.
> Takes out an erect prick and begans to jack off

Realizes it's not his and then pulls out the other one.

> Cut to
> Long shot
> Slow motion
> She is seized by more violent and convulsive movements.
> She floppes so her head and shoulders now come off the bed.
> Her hips are still on the bed.
> She had reached the final asphyxial stage.
> Into death spasms.
> Cut to medium shot
> Slow Motion
> (Down her legs)
> She almost falls completely from the bed,
> only calves and feet are still there.

The calves moo.

> In a spasm she drives her heels into the bed
> arching her hips upward and pisses.
> The yellow stream bowing through the air,
> splashing onto her body and soaking the carpet.

Suddenly, in a pathetic attempt to make the film sink even lower into the depths of stupidity, the entire cast of "Gilligan's Island" disembowels each other with grapefruit knives. It doesn't work.

> Move in slowly to close up
> Her face. She is making weak croaking sounds. The guys legs come into view
> and he squats over her face. She is sucking air, her mouth open, foaming.
> (Pull back shot from her face,guy sitting on her upper chest,
> her breasts poking out over the rucked down basier top ,
> past her pussy , along the smooth thigh and tightly gartered stocking tops.
> She lies , right high heeled foot on the bed, left on on the floor
> ,left knee doubled inward.
> She lies on her back a pool of piss drips off the extreme lower
> part of her stomach. Weak spasms still shake her body.)

Gene: I liked this film, except for all the spasming. Roger: Oh, come on. If you're like normal people, you just love watching spasm after spasm. I give this film a 10 on my Spaz-O-Meter.

> Close up
> Guy rubs the tip of his hard cock on her cheeks just under her wide
> open wild eyes.
> With a gloved hand he wipes the foamy drool away from her mouth.
> Using his fingers he preys her slack mouth open.

"Bob" sticks a 'Frop pipe into her slack mouth. <-- FOR ALT.SLACK READERS ONLY

> He slowly pushes his prick into her mouth, her teeth scrape
> the top of his brick hard cock.

Especially the hard edges of the rectangular tip.

> He positions him self and drives the long hard member > down her throat his balls bouncing on her chin.

She begins to juggle.

> Close up
> He continues fucking her in the mouth while her dying eyes
> stare into his crotch.
> In her last death throes she is jerking her head forward in a gag reflex.
> After several minutes the guys breath is coming in shorter intakes.
> Close up
> Slow Motion
> He starts to come in her mouth just as she breaths her last
> her eyes become transfixed in a stare of terror and surprise.
> He pulls his dick back a gooey film surrounding his stiff member.
> A long rope of cum connects to her mouth, breaks.

It wanders around the room. Connects itself to an electrical socket. All the light bulbs in the neighborhood explode one by one. In a laboratory a pair of edible underwear grows to enormous proportions.

> His cum leaps out in long pearly streamers arcing slowly
> in the air and criss-crossing a beautiful cheek.
> Matting her eyelashes.

The eyelashes are matted in front of a painting of outer space. They have a shimmery blue outline around them. <-- FILM STUDENT JOKE

> Medium shot
> Slow motion
> He grasps her behind the head and finishes by forcing his throbbing
> cock back down her throat in the last spasams of his climax.

Little kids burst into the room firing toy guns, shouting "SPA-SAM! SPA-SAM! DOW! DOW! DOW! SPA-SAM!"

> Long shot
> He puts his dick back in his pants.
> Picks up the dildo puts into package,takes it.
> He takes a last look at the dead woman.
> Takes a business card out of a pants pocket.
> Insert
> Card reads 'Retribution Inc.'
> Medium shot
> He squats by the woman.
> Brushes the card up her inner thigh and inserts the card part way in her pussy.
> Long shot.
> He leaves through window.
> Close up
> Dead woman's face in profile, her head inclines slowly to the side till
> she faces the camera her face glistens with cum and she drools semen as
> she stares, in death, into the camera.
> Camera pulls slowly back, out and down her body, framing the whole dead woman.
> Fade out.
> End




-- K.