Top One Hundred Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard by Hemi and the Farkmaster

Top One Hundred Reasons Why Captain Picard is Better Than Captain Kirk by the Patrick Stewart Estrogen Brigade

100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
Picard is a lover, not a fighter.

99. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look. Kirk could never really fit into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.

98. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
Sex with Picard is worth waiting for a whole season.

97. One Word: Hair.
One word: sex appeal (OK, two words).

96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG. Another word: Damn-good-looking-don't-need-a-weave!

95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
Picard can beat up a Klingon bare.... (heheh) ;-

94. Picard is a French man with an English accent. Kirk doesn't have a sexy accent at all.

93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!! Kirk would date anything claiming to be female (see #69).

92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
Kirk obviously has a bladder problem.

91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk. Diplomacy for Picard is a red bow tie and a smile (and nothing else).

90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge. Picard would personally throw Kirk off his bridge.

89. Two words: Shoulder Roll.
Two words: Picard Maneuver
Two more words: Well endowed

88. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch. Admirals don't WANT to lunch with Kirk.

87. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty." Picard (on the SoL) says "I've got a great crew -- and they're all beauties!"

86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis. Kirk has no singing voice, that's why they don't bother asking him to sing.

85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
Kirk drives his *own* stick shift. ;
Picard can ride a horse! :-)

84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale population.
Kirk secretly wanted to father Earth's whale population.

83. Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?" Picard says "Kirk? What Kirk?"

82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
Picard has enough brain cells to think up more creative insults.

81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.
Picard NEVER acted like a horse while some midget rode him.

80. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy. Picard knows how to use chopsticks for more than walrus imitations.

79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology. Kirk *was* low performance technology...

78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.
Picard never pretends to be a bum to get a date. Kirk doesn't have the acting skill.

77. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off --even around those pesky Yeomans.
Picard isn't shy about taking his pants off --even around those pesky Cardassians.

76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill. Starfleet would never waste a holodeck on someone like Kirk. Kirk would waste a holodeck on green Orion slave girls to be at his beck and call.

75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt. Picard never once stood up and had to suck in his gut.

74. One Word: Velour.
Three words: Stretch velour jhodphurs

73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
Picard's counselor can beat an android at chess.

72. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.
Spock shoulda let him fall.

71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.
Kirk slept his way to the top. Picard earned it.

70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again. Picard likes a good glass of wine every now and again.

69. One Word: Iman
One word: Kamala

68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
Picard looks good with NO shirt (or pants).

67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down its neck.
Picard has better things to do with his time.

66. Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation." Picard says "Think first and you'll always discover a sensible solution."

65. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge. Kirk's first officer was trying to get rid of him.

64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out. Kirk just leaves the room to bawl.

63. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes. Picard doesn't rely on weak over-acting to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.

62. Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
Three Words: No Funky Bellbottoms

61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
Picard never asked his Chief Medical Officer to be bartender.

60. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!" Picard never destroyed his own ship on purpose.

59. Kirk is not politically correct.
That's o.k., Kirk's not correct on much else, either.

58. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet.
Picard never got dumped by a woman who would rather chase whales.

57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest. Kirk wouldn't look good in tights. Especially at midseason.

56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead.
Picard can reason with Klingons.

55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a "Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference? Picard's Chief of Engineering has more important things to do than run the transporter.

54. One Word: Miniskirts.
Two words: Bicycle shorts ;-

53. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light. Kirk's girlfriends only look good in soft light.

52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts.
Picard takes responsibility for his actions.

51. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the trombone.
Picard's first officer doesn't play some wimpy instrument like a harp.

50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer. Picard is man enough not to kiss and tell.

49. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "GO F*CK YOURSELF."
Kirk couldn't learn a second language if he wanted to.

48. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast. Kirk always was a little too obsessed with food.

47. Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.
Kirk wouldn't know a 20th Century knife if it Bobbit'ed him

46. Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is. Picard doesn't rely on a middle name to be tough or awe-inspiring.

45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up. Is that what you call a blow job?

44. Picard never met Joan Collins.
Picard has much better luck.

43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet. Kirk cheated on his final exams at Starfleet Academy.

42 Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions. Picard is smart enough to figure out how to use birth control.

41. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master. Picard has cool touch padds -- not some clickety-click buttons.

40. Two Words: Line Delivery.
Two Words: Over Acting
Two words: Rescue 911

39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school.
Picard is cultured. Kirk wouldn't know a salad fork from a dessert fork.

38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures. PSEB knows how Picard emphasizes the important orations.

37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?)
We know all McGyver-isms are full of shit.

36. Kirk is not put off by green skin.
Kirk would have sex with *anything*.
Picard was never put off by intelligence.

35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs. Picard knows how to deal with war-mongering Cardassians, greedy Ferengi, and bloodthirsty Klingons -- without people dying.

34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
Picard IS a Greek god. 'Nuff said.

33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only. Picard knows the value of advice. Many minds are better than one.

32. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do. Picard already *knows* what the doctor wants him to do! ;)

31. One Word: Fisticuffs.
One Word: Cro-Magnon (Kirk, that is... ;)

30. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy. Picard's name is respected throughout the universe.

29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show. Kirk probably believes Shakespeare was a Klingon.

28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
Some men *like* to be tied up...oh! You said "locked"... ;

27. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry. Picard's eulogies make women swoon.

26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources.
Picard *is* a god and doesn't need to exploit...

25. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician. Picard's son would never do science using unethical methods.

24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything. Kirk tries to climb up any tube he can!

23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses. Picard never hired an engineer with a drinking problem.

22. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk. Woman didn't have a word for shallow -- until they met Kirk.

21. Kirk's bridge is not beige.
Polyester and Formica don't come in that color.

20. Two Words: Crane Shots.
Two Words: Butt shots.

19. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it. Picard is sensitive enough to realize that love of music is a human strength, not to be belittled.

18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.
Cats *like* Picard.
Kirk only beamed the tribbles away after he found out he couldn't have sex with them.

17. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice. Picard knows he is a really nice guy -- Kirk just thinks he is a cultural icon.

16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge. Clearly showing that he is both LAZY and a BOY.

15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
Picard *never* serves Romulan Ale at a diplomatic function.

14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to call him "four eyes."
Picard looks distinguished in or out of anything -- and nobody dares to call him baldy.

13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily. Picard can infilitrate PSEB's collective bedrooms...easily.

12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake. Picard can get nude models easily; Kirk -- well, maybe he could use a mirror.

11. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he sends Troi over to kick some butt.

10. Kirk never once, ever,wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.
Paramount knew no one would watch the show again if he did. There *is* a God.

9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
StarFleet never trusted Kirk with command codes in the first place. Picard would never let some Irish-ballad-singing Lieutenant order hot fudge sundaes for the entire crew.

8. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up. This is exactly why the Enterprise, under Kirk, spent most of its five-year mission either without warp drive or adrift.

7. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
When Picard sats "Boldy Go," all the women in the audience collapse in a smouldering heap of estrogen. When he says "Come," they do!

6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick
Three Words: Take me now. ;-
Three More Words: Chest-Revealing Bedwear

5. Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object. Wanna make a bet?
The Looooooooooove Ship is fighting for time with him... BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.
Neither was God.

3. Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets. Picard's bedroom is a passion pit WITHOUT electric sheets.

2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail. Kirk's redshirts/Security Chiefs never lived long enough to grow one. Picard doesn't need a new Chief of Security every episode.

1. One Word: Balls.
One Word: Balls.

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